Task 14 Version 2 Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime.
To what extend do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.
Instructions: You should have written version 1 and given your feedback to 1-2 essays by this time. If not first do so before you publish Version 2.
Many feel that asking ex-prisoners to have a talk with teens is an efficient educational method. I tend to agree that a person who has been behind bars is a best one who can share with cons of committing crime. In my opinion, ex-offenders may inform students about possible consequences of breaking law. Their experiences are convincing which can affect students easily.These wrong-doers are real instances of people who have paid for doing something illegal. Therefore, crime education by offenders may increase awareness about results of law-breaking between young people. A great example of effective criminal education is kazakh television show about the life of prisoners after punishment. It is a show where ex-offenders describe their life in prison and promote to not do something illegal. Despite the clear results talking with ex-prisoners can bring about, a combination of other education methods may bring better results. First, parents play a vital role in the social education of child about evils and ways to avoid them. It is evident that home environment is essential in the formation of a child's personality. Second, school teachers also play an important role in the perception of crime by students. Positive school environment ought to be advanced and facilitate crime prevention. To sum up, I agree that talking with ex-offenders is an effective method. However, It is not the best way to improve awareness of young people about crime.
Good job linq!!!I noticed a good range of grammar and extended voabulary.However,as I know we cannot use words like sum up, in formal writing.I think, it will be better if you use instead of sum uo, in conclusion.Also,in future you can use ex-convicts,ex-cons instead of ex-prisoners. These synonyms will show your extended vocabulary better.But anyway, your writing was amazing and unique, keep work like that.
Hello! I am here to post a review to your essay. I would like to say that you have done an amazing job and that you clearly have potential!
Nevertheless, the first paragraph of your essay could have been thought out a bit better. What I am trying to say is that your first paragraph refers to the topic of your essay very generally. You mention "efficient educational method" when in the main essay topic it is phrased as "talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime", which is more specific than "educational method". This generalization could reduce your Task Response score so be more careful.
I presume you wanted state that you do not fully agree with the topic by saying "I tend to agree"? The reason I am asking that is that "I tend to agree" is not a clear structure and could mean several things. In other words "I tend to agree" is not the most appropriate choice of words for the vibe you are going with in your essay. I recommend using something like "I agree up to a point, but..." or if you disagree you could say "I totally disagree with..."
Now, moving to body part of your essay. It is probably a good sign that you are trying to state your opinion in your essay. However, in agree disagree essay, opinions are better to be reserved for introduction and conclusion as in IELTS agree disagree essay in body parts it is prudent to start your body paragraph by stating the reason you agree or disagree with the topic. Instead of "In my opinion, ex-offenders may inform students about possible consequences of breaking law." you could restate it as "First of all, ex-offenders..." or "To begin with, ex-offenders..."
One of the strongest points your writing has is a good amount of vocabulary which is relevant to the topic at hand. Another is your usage of appropriate linking structures all across your essay.
Having said that, in two body paragraphs you only fully expand on only one idea why you agree/disagree that ex-prisoners are suitable moral educators for teenagers. Pay attention to the fact that you are tasked with justifying your answer in the current essay. The paragraph that starts with "Despite" does not count as a point you are trying to justify. That is because you use such phrase as "may bring better results". "MAY" indicates that you are uncertain about it, when in the task it is said that you must clearly give reasons and evidence, which means that you must be wholly certain. Instead of saying "may" I propose rethinking of how you want to state your idea. Re-make it and create a statement or a thesis. That would prove a lot more effective!
As you clearly aware of the structure of the body paragraphs and the essays in whole you are likely to get a bonus for that. Thesis statement - Supporting sentence - Evidence - Conclusion.
Your conclusion is appropriately concise and to the point. I admit that your essay was quite a bit confusing for me at the start. I hope you do not take my review to heart as I am in no way a proffessional reviewer, but I propose to think about the points I raised in this review. Thank you for your attention(if you read that of course...) and bye!
A growing number of people consider that offenders, who have served their prison sentence, are sufficient to share their experiences with adolescents since their discipline has been fixed. However, I strongly disagree with this suggestion since ex- offenders with criminal background are not the best instructors for younger generation and in some case, their guidance may even be hazardous. First of all, the instruction of criminals is not guaranteed to be reliable, in addition, young adults are not also ensured that they will learn only the helpful parts of their lesson. I consider that a prison affects prisoners in destructive way, for example, their psychology usually worsens throughout the prison sentence and they gain mental disabilities. Frequently do the criminals re-offend since they have not revisited their actions. If they will spread their knowledge to students, the latter ones may learn the inappropriate experience. Furthermore, the more helpful people would be found if there was need for teaching of teenagers by experienced people. The well-known celebrities, who have come a long way to achieve a success would have much to share with younger learners. For example, our school invite respected businessmen, scientists, physicians and sportsmen and they tell us about principles of well-educated persons, the possible obstacles and the ways to overcome them. In comparison to criminals, who have committed crime once, we believe their words and try to repeat their success. In conclusion, ex-offenders are not trustworthy individuals to allow them to teach the people at the early ages. Instead, adolescents should pay more attention to the words of authorities, who deserve it.
This is a great piece and your grammar improvement compared to your last piece is evident. A few corrections, however, are in order. You have a good start, but I would have preferred if you used a ‘large’ number of people rather than a ‘growing’ number since your argument is against the use of ex-prisoners taking part in education-based programmes. In paragraph 1, line 2, the word sufficient is not in the correct context. Fit to share, allowed to share or justified to share is more appropriate. Towards the end of the same line, we can not be sure if the ‘discipline has been fixed’ and so use ‘presumed to have been corrected’. In paragraph 2, line 1; instruction should be replaced by information. In line 2 of the same paragraph; ensure should be replaced by sure, and helpful by useful. In line 4 of paragraph 2; ‘Frequently do the criminals re-offend since they have not revisited their actions’. This line sounds like a question rather than a statement. Revise it and make it clear, if it is a question, use a question mark at the end and ensure you answer it in the next few statements. The word ‘latter’ does not need the qualification ‘ones’ after it, it clearly refers to what comes after the former. Finally, make sure you correctly use the articles ‘the’ and ‘a’ correctly and sometimes leave them out when they are not necessary as in paragraph 2 lines 3 line 1 and line 2; ‘the more helpful people’, leave out ‘the’ and ‘achieve ‘a’ success’, leave out ‘a’. You concluding statements are good and clearly make your point undoubtedly clear. Well done.
People who have gone through the prison regime and started leading an ordinary life are considered to be the best people to give advices to the new generation about importance of maintaining civil laws. I completely agree with the statement. In this essay , I will discuss about why ex-prisoners are the best people to teach teenagers about possible dangers of committing a crime and give relevant arguments.
Nowadays, one of the most precious things that human being possesses is freedom. That is why breaking civil laws is often followed by the deprivation of freedom depending on how much negative impact citizen give for the society. People who have been in prison can share the experience of living in terrible conditions and suffering from hunger and lack of hygiene. For most of them, jail was the survival, where they have to fight in order to live. They understand the value of freedom of actions which is mostly limited by federal law. Ex-prisoners can discuss about that with teenagers who will listen to them due to their experience.
Another vital argument would be that parents or teachers cannot affect on teenagers’ mind as ex-prisoners can, simply because most teenagers will listen people who can really understand them. According to the New York Times Review, the majority of the ex-prisoners were also teenagers with criminal backgrounds, this is why they are able to view that point of view. For most of the teenagers, committing a crime is might be a cool thing to do, which would give them following status and feeling of superiority over the peers. In the eyes of teenagers, ex-prisoners are heroes who have the courage to go against the law. It will be way easier for them to affect on teenagers’ actions.
In conclusion, I completely agree with the statement about ex-prisoners are the best people who can talk to teenagers about possible outcomes of committing a crime. They can have greater effect on teenagers due to their status and can share a valuable experience about living in prison.
Hi! I have noticed that you used good vocabulary and grammatical strustures! Excellent! However, you need to take into consideration on minor mistakes, such as: -word "advice is uncountable, so it takes no plural form. -I think that it will be better if you say "discuss why...", not "discuss about why" -Learn advanced grammar strustures (conditionals/inversions/passive&active voice)
Hey. Overall, u did a good job, you clearly express your opinion and support it in a very precise way.
However, your essay contains a negligible quantity of redundancy and tautology. You better to paraphrase ideas that you have mentioned already so that you show the range of your vocabulary.
There is a certain tricky structure for "To what extend" essays, that is not widely known. The trick is that in 1st paragraph of the body section you must talk about an opposite idea, opposite to what you agree, and in a 2nd paragraph, you have to wreck this opinion by using your solid arguments. Remember, that it is a "one idea" essay, and you can mention 1 argument for each paragraph.
It is believed that some former prisoners become solid citizens after a time, and they are the most influential people to teach teenagers about the risks of committing a crime. I totally agree that ex-prisoners can be a significant model to show the consequences of committing offences for younger generation. The main reason why ex-inmates can provide a good example of criminal participation is that they can share about their own crime-related past. By contributing experience, these people can demonstrate what it leads to. Not only does the story of former prisoners help for youth to interpret the implications of delinquency, but it also fosters a conscious and role model personality. For example special organizations can invite young adults to the meetings with law-breakers, so they could be aware of difficulties that can be faced and its hazardous effect on their future by taking a lesson. The another reason why it is significant for teenagers to talk with some who was an offender is that ex-criminalists can be the only one who will be able to understand the thoughts of young people who has a thoughts of them who ae going to commit a crime. These people have the same ideas and mindset. Therefore, it is possible to prevent the acts that can be committed by teenagers by talking and explaining them the negative sides. If they will work with each other, it also will decrease the level of juvenile delinquency. In conclusion, I absolutely agree that it is effective way to deal with the crime around young generation. This is due to the fact that by conversations, teenagers will understand the negative effect of committing an offence.
Hello, my dear friend! I would like to mention some points of your essay: 1) Your essay structure is great! You have clear introduction, paragraphs and conclusion. You explain your reasons with examples, so your coherence is between 8 and 8.5. You skillfully orginized your essay. 2) Lets turn to your task response. Generally, your ideas is clear developed with relevant examples. However, in my opinion, your second paragraph needs a little more explaining. I suggest you to learn different stuctures of senetences in order to divide it, so it can be more clear. 3) You paraphrasing is good. Also, you use a wide range of vocabulary related to topic of crime. Despite having a little mistakes in using articles, you generally do not have a lot of mistakes. 4) You used a wide range of structures with great flexibility. I recommend to you to acguire some another word collactions in order to sound fully-naturally. Also, you may add some more adverb, or tenses. Finally, you can develop ideas. I really liked your essay, so I give you 7.5. Good luck!
The structure and vocabulary are brilliant, you use less common words and topical vocabulary. The stucture is also impresionable, the essay has clear progression throughout and cohesive devices are used appropriately. There are few occasional mistakes in spelling , I think it is due to the fact that you were typing on the keyboard.
Hi! I think that overall your essay is good. In terms of task achievement, you have written very well. You have shown the range of vocabulary and grammar. Moreover, you do not have problems with the number of words. So, I liked your work, but there are some grammar (and punctuation) mistakes which I have noticed: 1) they are the most influential people to teach teenagers about the risks of committing a crime -> they are the most influntial people who can teach teenagers the risks of comitting a crime 2) ex-prisoners can be a significant model to show the consequences of committing offences for younger generation-> ex-prisoners can play a significant role in showing the younger generation the consequences of comitting offences 3) share about their own crime-related past-> share their own crime-related past 4) help for youth-> help youth 5) For example special organizations-> For example, special organizations 6) difficulties that can be faced and its hazardous effect-> difficulties that can be faced and their hazardous effects 7) ex-criminalists can be the only one-> ex-criminalist can be the only one 8) 'who has a thoughts of them who ae going to commit a crime' Sorry, but I could not understand this part, therefore, in my opinion, it would better to paraphrase it. 9) If they will work with each other, it also will decrease the level of juvenile delinquency.-> If they work with each other, it also will decrease the level of juvenile delinquency.(1st conditional) 10) 'In conclusion, I absolutely agree that it is effective way to deal with the crime around young generation.' I think that it would better to clarify what you mean by 'it'. To sum up, I think that you need to work on prepositions and conditional clauses. However, as I wrote before, overall you have done a good job, so I wish you good luck.
* I totally agree that ex-prisoners can be a significant model to show - ...might become.... a role model/ role models..... to demonstrate/(to share their experience?).... * help for youth- Learn the rule for use of "help" and correct yourself Help PREP. beyond ~ Some of the injured animals were beyond help and had to be destroyed. | of ~ The manual is too technical to be of help to the inexperienced user. | with ~ With a little help, I think I could fix the computer myself. We broke open the lock with the help of a spanner. | ~ for The training centre provides special help for the long-term unemployed. | ~ from With help from a parent, a child can do simple cooking. | ~ in Local teachers provided invaluable help in developing the material. | ~ to She's been a big help to her father. | ~ with He'll need help with this homework. * The another- I corrected this and explained this in Version 1 THE is an article and "ANOTHER" is "AN"-+ "OTHER". Two articles cannot come together! *Read all your comments including Version 1 and 2 before you post VErsion 3. * who ae going to commit a crime. - Correct this * If they will work- Correct this * it is effective way - correct this
It is often believed that ex-inmates become law-abiding citizens after the serving a sentence. Moreover, others argue that they could explain the whole hazard of offending to juveniles. I strongly agree with that, because prisoners would re-think own future perspectives. Furthermore, this people have known all about the crimes, and they are only one who can deliver this point to younger generation. On the one hand, ex-prisoners would become a loyalist rather than committing one more crime. This is because, prison is considered as a place to ponder past sins and own mistakes. Hence, the majority of offenders becoming good citizens. However, not only does it have such effect, but prisoners also do not repeat past faults that could have led to a jail. Take for example, having carried out test among offenders in the UK, psychiatrist have revealed that they had not an evil intention anymore, on the contrast prisoners had wished only the freedom. As a result, this way from a crime to a jail real has an effect on people’s behavior in the long run. Another point to consider is the ex-prisoners are the best one to make a conversation with teenagers. This is because, rarely do people realize about its importance, but inmates are the only one who can precisely describe the crimes and its adverse consequences. Moreover, ex-prisoners have passed this way in a psychological level too. Thus, by explaining all dangers of offending to youngsters, would decrease a juvenile delinquency in the long term. For instance, after the serving, people have an invaluable experience to share with children. However, despite the fact that they have committed a crime, their importance to teenagers cannot be emphasized too much. To sum up, people who have served a sentence in a jail really become a good citizen and they are best who can talk with teenagers about the future risk of committing a crime. This is because they change inside, rethink their lives, and only who passed this horrible way and could share with own experience.
I like the way you think :) I see a really good vocabulary that you used in your essay, which will significantly increase your mark in a real test, so good job! I want to mention some minor mistakes in order to improve your essay: 1) I have checked that it is better to write "rethink" that the one with hyphen. 2) "having carried out a test" 3) "Take for example..." this sentence is too long, so there are some suggestions. Use semicolon before "on the contrast" and use "in contrast" or "on the contrary" instead. 4) "this way from a crime to a jail real has an effect on people’s behavior in the long run." this sentence is hard to read, try to paraphrase it. For example, "experiencing imprisonment significantly affect on people's behaviour in the long run." 5)"the ex-prisoners" are the "best oneS" or "best people". 6)" about its importance" about which importance, please clarify that in your next improved version. 7)"inmates are the only oneS" 8)"level too" use come before "too". 9)"their importance to teenagers cannot" I am not sure, but revise this part of essay. Probably use "for" instead "to". 10)" they change inside" --> "they have changed inside". 11) --> rethinked 12) "only who passed this horrible way and could share with own experience." please revise this part of sentence. May be, just replace it with "could share with own experience."
Many figures of public believe the culprits that have amended after prison for their misdemeanors, could be the reliable dilator of the sad consequences of law breakings. I fully agree with this statement due to they had seen all the difficulties of prison life; also they know the price of freedom.
The prisoners have an experience in committing a crime whether it is minor or major. Once they have broken a law, it will lead to the various kind of punishments such as imprisonment, where they would do some unpaid community service. People, who have overcome through all of this, would know how it is better live in freedom, independently. In jail, person will be far away from his/her immediate relatives, which leads to feel homesick and lonely. Likewise, ex-prisoners could be the most relevant and appropriate people to talk to teenagers.
Offenders know that the person’s momentary action does not worth the punishment that would destroy your future. As we know, for the felons, it is really difficult to find a job, and build their career. In the majorities of cases, people do not trust them; moreover, regard them as unreliable and dangerous. For the criminals, that served their sentences in prison, are deprived most of the opportunities. Therefore, by committing crime, the person may block the chances for the bright future.
In conclusion, I believe that people should take into account the experiences of some people. Parents should make their children talk to lawbreakers, that know the consequences of disobeying rules and the value of free life, could prevent teenagers from destroying their life.
Hey, Dr.Robert, a new and better man. Initially, I appreciate your job, since you have developed your essay by paraphrasing and using more complicated vocabulary in comparison with the last version of the essay. However, I hope you will memorize all that vocabulary, or I would advise you to use academic words that are easy to keep in mind as possible in order to train your lexicon. Secondly, I am not sure whether you have used a translator or some invalid sources, but your essay suffers from phrases that do not exist in English. For example, “overcome through all of this” in third sentence of second paragraph what seems like direct and invalid translation from native language. I would recommend you to use reverse context which provides user with examples from TV series, films or books. Thirdly, structure of your first body paragraph is bit invalid. While you ought to use example, result, idea and supporting sentences, you have used structure that have no this criteria. Moreover, first sentence looks like a filter what has adverse effect on your mark. Well these is the main issues of your writing that have to be struggled and I hope it will, but I want to remind that vocabulary is really good as well as your arguments were strong, too.
*they had seen all the difficulties of prison life; also they- repetition of "they" *Learn collocations related to a "consequence" noun
ADJ. full | far-reaching, important, profound | adverse, bad, catastrophic, damaging, dangerous, devastating, dire, disastrous, fatal, harmful, negative, serious, severe, terrible, tragic, unfortunate, unpleasant | beneficial, good, positive | major, main | direct, immediate | indirect | inevitable, necessary | likely, possible, potential | logical, natural | long-term, short-term | unintended | ecological, economic, electoral, environmental, financial, legal, physical, political, social to face up to the physical consequences of ageing * In jail, person- a person * Offenders know that the person’s momentary action does not worth the punishment that would destroy your future.- My future? * In the majorities of cases,- majority * For the criminals, that served their sentences in prison, are deprived most of the opportunities.Therefore, by committing crime, the person may block the chances for the bright future. - You wrote "criminals" and them you wrote "the person" Correct it. * Did you read my comment for the version 1? *
* Many figures of public believe the culprits that have amended after prison for their misdemeanors, could be the reliable dilator of the sad consequences of law breakings.- Write like this instead: The public believes that the culprits that have reformed after prison are reliable sign of the sad consequences breakings the law.
There is a common belief that ex-prisoners who committed a crime and was in prison are the most appropriate people to talk to the young generation to prevent a crime. Some think that people after completing a prison sentence often change themselves in a better direction and well affect to the society. I completely agree that ex-prisoners may become good citizens after being in prison. First of all, social activities including in prisoners’ life in different countries are being more popular. Offenders can spend their free time on art, playing some musical instruments and even writing their own books. These activities are essential for offenders, because they help prisoners to broaden horizons and do not allow returning to their criminal life. The good instance is that Singaporean prisons practice a method, where the number of books that are read could shorten the term of imprisonment. Moreover, after completing a punishment ex-prisoners give lectures in schools usually among students and teenagers. It is the most effective way of describing strict rules and approaches used in prisons due to the information is given from people who have completed their imprisonment. The government always arranges these actions in order to reduce the rate of crimes and explain to teenagers the danger of committing a crime. All things considered, the majority of ex-prisoners after imprisonment have the great chance to turn themselves into a better one and good effect on teenagers’ thoughts.
Good job!!! I really appreciate your ideas and structures. If you start your paragraph/sentence with "First of all", you ought to support it by adding Second of all/Thirdly and list linked ideas. However, you used "Moreover" at the beginning of the paragraph to start different ideas. Besides, I suggest you to use synonyms to paraphrase your sentences, for instance, you used the word "ex-prisoners" 3 or more times. Moreover, I think you could have completed the conclusion.
It is often thought that people who were convicted in the past may assist younger generation by talking to them about the hazards of committing a crime. I am completely against this idea because currently, a large number of criminals who have served their first prison sentence tend to reoffend.
Nowadays, the cruel conditions in prisons can do not affect the criminals’ behavior because the offenders join to other inmates which can strengthen their criminal intentions. Because of this, not all of the ex-offenders are benevolent and most of them commit crimes again. Therefore, it is hard to choose the one who has already had an experience and has learned from his mistakes realizing the value of freedom. Only these people could be beneficial for adolescents to learn from. However, if a person who they interact with did not draw any conclusions, it will have a detrimental influence on youth.
Teenagers' deeper understanding of moral behavior must be initially developed by their parents because they play the significant part in forming of personalities of their children. Parents need to teach teenagers how to become the one who lives in harmony with the society and brings benefits to it. It can be done, for instance, by teaching how to avoid misunderstandings or how to solve the disagreements. Eventually, never will an adolescents who has improved his or her social skills become a criminal.
In conclusion, I think that the teenagers cannot learn from people who were sentenced to prison due to the risks that can be formed. This is because many offenders commit more crimes after serving their sentence. Moreover, it is the parents' responsibility to ensure that their children understand the harmful consequences of committing crimes.
Hello! -We cannot say "can do not", I think you should say "cannot"? (2nd paragraph 1st line) -Check the preposition which is used with the word "join" -It will be better to use "the majority of" or "a large number of" and other synonyms instead of "not all of the..." in order to make your writing more academic -Try to replace the word "must" to "should") We used conditionals and inversions) Good job!
Some individuals believe that teaching youngsters to prevent a crime by ex-offenders is the most efficient way, because offenders become good citizens after their first punishment. In my point of view, I totally disagree with that statement,because I think that ex-prisoners even after their severe punishment stay one of the dangerous people for society. I know that some ex-convicts become good citizens,but not all of them.Criminals are often know the consequences before the comitting crime. For them, offense is normal and being behind bars is normal too.In prison,convicts do not learn something useful instead of this, they play bad table games, smoke and even plan a new crime with other professional criminals.For instance, in USA more than 55 percent of prisoners are offenders, who commited crime second,third or even forth time. I strongly believe that the most appropriate individuals, who can teach teenagers to prevent a breaking law, are their parents,teachers or policemen.Only people, who really care about children's life, can teach them to act by law.Without any preparation,ex-offenders even cannot say something to children.The only language,which ex-cons can use is filthy language.It is why,I think that children should avoid the contact with any ex-covicts. In conclusion, I strongly believe that once a criminal is not always a criminal.But, who is realy criminal is not able to change his or her way of thinking.Only parents or teachers should teach children,but not offenders.
Hello, Rakamakafo! I would like to thank you for such a good essay. However, please take into attention some suggestions: 1) "I totally disagree with that statement" - I totally disagree with THIS statement, because you already have mentioned the statement beforehand, in the previous sentence. 2) "dangerous" - replace with unreliable, insecure,precarious or hazardous, because as you know if you want to get a high band, you should use more academic vocabulary 3) "being behind bars is normal too" - being behind bars is normal, too (there is a comma before "too") 4) I liked your example sentence in the first body paragraph(BP) very much, sounds reliable and relevant. 5) I believe, you should start your 1st BP with the linking word as you need to show that you are giving arguments to prove your point of view, so it would be better if you use the linking word such as To begin with, Firstly/First of all and etc. 6) Please, pay attention to your articles, as sometimes you forget to put them. For example, these are cases where you should put an article: "to act by (ARTICLE) law"," (ARTICLE) offense is normal"," is (ARTICLE) filthy language", and "who is realy (ARTICLE) criminal". 7) "It is why," - please, replace it with That is why/Therefore/This is a reason why 8) "realy" - realLy
Your essay is really superior regarding your arguments and a logical connection between paragraphs, thank you for your hard work! )
Nowadays, due to dramatically increasing crime rates, people are seeking ways to prevent youth from turning to crime. According to strenuous believes, people who had served a prison sentence and, eventually, embarked on the path of upstanding civilians are most appropriate to apprise youth of the consequences of being engaged in crime in order to prevent a young generation from mimicking violent behavior. This essay will argue why such a practice is an absolute imperative. People have always been wary of ex-prisoners making an attempt to settle in society. The community has always been wary of ex-prisoners making an attempt to fit in society again. The community naturally feels suspicious about the behavior of the person who has served a sentence. Most of them assume that ex-offenders who turned to crime are capable of repeating themselves. Indeed, there have been occasions when changes in behaviors of criminals were negligible whilst after jail. These few instances have bolstered existing fears in certain demographics that ex-inmates might be potentially dangerous for surrounding so that they prefer not to let their children communicate with ex-criminals. Despite the minor risks associated with ex-prisoners, the idea that they must not talk to offsprings to inform about the dangers of committing a crime is preposterous. First of all, ex-offenders who have become peaceful citizens tend to be perfect models of rehabilitation and mending whos experiences must be given to the widest publicity, children, in particular. Adult people cannot keep pretending as if representatives of criminal groups do not exist. Adolescents must be aware that ex-criminals, thieves, shoplifters, murderers, vandals, smugglers, and juvenile delinquents who changed their ways, are living in the same community, on the same street, working near, because they are one who shows that it is never late to cease. Their stories must be told and heard, so that every teenager knows how does the criminalistic path start and what consequences it has. Children who were apprised of the pertinent cost that every crime demands - time that has elapsed ungraciously. Moreover, it must be mentioned that teenager is more likely to believe someone who made his own effort to become a conscientious individual comparing with any lecturer and speaker. As a student, I would prefer to ask personal questions concerning ex-criminals past and receive honest and versatile responses that do not leave me befuddled, which presents the integrity of the idea of committing a crime and explains the connotations of re-education. In my mind, a student, who has an opportunity to get familiar with the experience of the offender at first hand will never turn to crime. At the end of the day, we must not ignore ex-criminals and abstract their existence. Being involved in soluting social issues and communicative tasks have a positive impact on the efficiency of their rehabilitation. People whose effusive actions had a negative impact on society once must help to prevent the occurrence of a new one. Taking into account the aforementioned aspects, I believe that the dangers of crime should be told by ex-prisoners which, precisely, will lead to the reduction of crime rate among teenagers.
Hello, MagicUnicorn! Your essay is really well written. However, you repeated one idea/sentence 2 times "People have always been wary of ex-prisoners making an attempt to settle in society. The community has always been wary of ex-prisoners making an attempt to fit in society again." Moreover, "making an attempt" -> "attempting" You wrote "juvenile deliquents", but the correct version is "juvenile delinquency" or "delinquents". Try to paraphrase your words (ex-prisoners, criminals) Additionally, you wrote 1 sentence in one paragraph, and in the whole essay, you got too many paragraphs.
Some people argue that those who were inmates then become good citizens later and they are able to read lectures for young people about the violence and crimes. I am partially agree with this statement. In this essay, I will state my point of the view and give reasons for that.
First of all, people who commit a crime could teach others about crimes, because, ex-prisoners will take focus on their own experience. Furthermore, they will give examples from the real life, which will help them to argue their point of the view. For instance, former prisoners are able to talk about time spent in jail with providing evidence. Based on this, teenagers and modern society will understand that committing crimes bring severe punishment. Secondly, since inmates committed crimes and took punishment, then it seems that they understood their mistake and it was a lesson for them. However, there are no any statistics or the data, which could give us evidence that people who were inmates become good citizens. Despite of that, people can find out who the other people are, only from communication with them.
Overall, It depends from the people if they changed or not. We cannot make any assumptions by looking only on one person. However, if the prisons are exist, so it helps to prevent serious crimes. I am of the view that not always ex-prisoners become good citizens, but they can give important information since they had an experience
Hello, Young Jake, you wrote very nice essay. You clearly mentioned your opinion and ideas. You used wide range of vocabulary and linking words. But, you have some mistakes that you need to improve to get better mark. Firslty, you have a insignificant mistake in sentence "Based on this, teenagers and modern society will understand that committing crimes bring severe punishment", where you needed to use "brings". Secondly, in conclusion, I don't recommend you to use structure, like "I am of the view that ..." in your essay. But overall, your essay is pretty good. Keep practicing and you will get better mark
There is a considerable debate among population whether ex-prisoners should give a talk to young generation about the future threats of committing a crime. While some people believe these are the most suitable people to have a conversation with teenagers, others assert that not an every reformed offender becomes an upstanding citizen after a prison. I totally agree that ex-offenders should have a chance to meet with adolescents, as they are finest personalities to talk with.
The main reason why this strategy ought to be implemented is that this is a golden opportunity to share the life experience of rehabilitated delinquents. In other words, the true-life story of a person, who has struggled with severe consequences of crime, might be very helpful to prevent a youngster from potential dangers. For instance, having conducted an investigation in Canada scholars discovered that meetings with ex-prisoners not only aided to raise teenager`s awareness about threats that crimes might bring on a conscious level, but it also affected them emotionally. Therefore, the personal experience of jailers will benefit adolescents by providing food for thought to comprehend the future threats of the offence.
Another reason why it is superior to adopt this method is that it will serve as an untraditional way of educating pupils. Therefore, student`s interest and willingness would be increased very much, thus being an effective tool of removing dispel ideas of youth. In addition, by allowing ex-prisoners to act for the sake of people they are going to be granted with a great chance of successfully integrating back to community. As a result, there will be an enormous advantage to both members of society.
To conclude, I am firmly convinced that it is an excellent idea to give reformed offenders an opportunity to make a contribution to the development of the community by educating young generation to avoid committing a crime.
* For instance, having conducted an investigation in Canada scholars discovered that meetings with ex-prisoners not only aided to raise teenager`s awareness about threats that crimes might bring on a conscious level, but it also affected them emotionally.- "For instance, having conducted an investigation in Canada scholars discovered that meetings with ex-prisoners not only aided to raise teenager`s awareness about threats that crimes might bring on a conscious level, but it also affected them emotionally." Change this. Is this true? If it is not why are you writing this?
Some people state that in order to prevent juvenile delinquency, offspring should have conversation about it with felons who become good citizens after their release from a jail. I partially agree that this is the best way to rise a good individuals.
Initially, it is beneficial for children to know about consequences of crime from prisoner who had committed crime before. This practice would explain them how harmful as well as disastrous is any crime and teach them to be more responsible, well-minded persons. The reason is that they will see the cause-consequence relationship between a wrongdoing and ruining life. To illustrate this, I have told by one person have been in jail, who said me that he would have never do what caused him to be condemned, if only he could.
On the other hand, not always this kind of action is capable to prevent “early crime” because scientists from USA who have studied about death penalty and its impact on the crime stated that the fact that they will be killed after the crime didn’t stop them. Consequently, if the stiff penalty couldn’t stop this sort of people why do we think that conversation with the ex-prisoners can? Moreover, juvenile delinquency is the effect of low education, bad parenting, harmful society or other economic as well as social issues that make them to go and robe someone. Good evidence is the fact that the regions, where teenagers have committed crimes more are undeveloped areas with high rate of death, poverty or starvation.
In conclusion, the practice may decrease a crime among youth, but not in all regions because the main cause that leads to crime is dysfunction. Consequently, to solve this issue, authorities should consider the problem of living in conditions of family tribulation.
*offspring - Is this a countable noun? * Initially, it is... - Change this * more responsible, well-minded persons. - use "and" before the last noun when you are listing objects * I have told by one person have been in jail, - I was told, Passive voice should be used here * couldn’t stop * why do we think that - correct this, this is not a question (Why we consider that) * to crime is dysfunction. Dysfunction of what? You writing skills are getting better. Keep up working on collocations.
Most people believe that by participating in a conversation with former prisoners, adolescents will be fully warned of the risk that ex-prisoner is forced to bear by committing illegal behavior. Personally, I completely agree with this idea.
There are several reasons why former offenders can affect young people and prevent crime on their part. Firstly, real stories about the circumstances of people's lives can attract more attention than notations from non-criminals. As a result, a teenager will be able to fully understand not only the content of the history of the criminal, but also the messages that adults are trying to convey to them. Moreover, in conversations with former criminals, students have the opportunity to speak with someone who has broken the law.
Secondly, this practice will enable the government to spend less on social education. This is due to the fact that if past criminals play a crucial role in the training given to adolescents, the state budget will not be allocated to instructors or teachers. For example, when Jordan Belford was released, a well-known financial swindler visited various schools in the United States to tell his story of the crime and its negative consequences, as well as the punishment that he suffered. Through these lessons, students can become aware of the danger they face when committing a financial crime without any significant cost to schools.
In conclusion, I believe that students and the public could benefit from the involvement of former offenders in education.
* Personally, I completely agree with this idea. This is a hanging sentence you need to justify why you completely agree. * the government to spend less on social education. To spend what? Overall, you have written a really good essay. It can be seen that you are working on collocations. Keep up working. Familiarize yourself with IELTS writing rubrics and learn the difference between band score 6, 6.5 and 7.
Many people say that those who have been through a prison sentence, and changed their behavior for the better, are among the best people to consult regarding the risks of going against the law with teenagers. I totally agree with the opinion stated above due to the fact that people with experience have better grounds in regards to consulting others.
According to social studies conducted throughout the years, personal experience is one of the deciding factors when consulting others about topics such as dangers of committing a crime. Considering that the knowledge of crime related dangers which is available to us through mass media has a decent possibility of containing inaccuracies, the person who has already broken the law at least once will be able to provide more extensive knowledge in regards to the consequences of such actions. Just as the theoretic knowledge contains differences from practical knowledge, the information obtained through rumors differs from the first-hand information.
Another vital factor to examine is the effectiveness of the advisor's recommendations. Advice from the former prisoner on the dangerous sides of not abiding by the law will not only contain more credibility, but bigger practical value as well. For instance, in Kazakhstan some of the popular TV shows about crime have proven useful in child education. Thus, it is wrong to treat the practice of having ex-convicts as tutors as a foreign or new concept. Nevertheless, leaving the wrongdoers and delinquents with the undeveloped minds is a large risk. Underage exploitation is one of the worst possible outcomes of such practice. Whether this method is efficient or not, in either case the practice should be done with supervision.
Overall, it is not wrong to utilize the prisoners and their knowledge to assist the child education, but only if the children are monitored at the time of education.
Your sentence structure, considering point of views, analysing and evaluating are all in high standard, well done!!!. However, "The help that can be provided by an ex-prisoners could be confined by the limitation of their experience" do you think this could be another argument?. " There is always a room for improvement" you are in the right track, keep up and aim higher. Well done to you again!!!!
Good job on this essay. You got me on the following:
* English is really good * Ideas are expressed thoroghly * Good introduction * Good conclusion * Good arguments
Just consider the point for consideration to make this essay a great piece of work: * Intorduction is good. I just want that you can rephrase this statement because I am not getting the whole idea of you mean here: due to the fact that people with experience have better grounds in regards to consulting others. Please simplify especially in the last part about in regards to consulting others
* There are statements that are too long. Consider revising by simplifying or make it two statements example: Considering that the knowledge of crime related dangers
* It will be good to mention what social studies that you are referring here because there are a lot of social studies. If possible cite the specific source or you have to cite that readers will understand where is the source of the argument. It is important that you have to cite the source to make the argument really valid. Likewise, it will be good to mention the name of that Kazakh popular tv shows that talk about this concern.
Nevertheless, if you will consider the suggestions and feedback, I believe that this work is already a great essay. Keep up the good work!
Today it is believed by some people that the ex-prisoners, who have been punished for their crimes, become sensible citizens and they are the finest individuals to have a conversation with representatives of young generation, while others claim that it is incorrect and a key factor in the shaping of the child’s personality is parents. I partly agree with both statements and in this essay I will discuss it from different sides.
To begin with, it is clear that the real experience is one of the most effective ways for people to understand the awfulness of their actions and in this way, ex-offenders can help to prevent youngsters from committing a crime. If the ex-criminal really has become a person with high sense of responsibility, he will explain his feelings and thoughts that he had during the sentence in the prison. When talking with such people, teens will realize by themselves that the crime will not lead to anything good. Such life experience is very effective and can significantly affect a people’s life. There is a lot of examples when little siblings understand and keep in mind the story from a real life told by you where you made a mistake. That is why people who have been in prison are one of the best people to talk to teenagers.
On the other hand, we should understand that there are several types of crimes and criminals. We never can be sure that the person has realized his actions and has become a good citizen. Also, it is important to know the reasons why he committed a crime, maybe he did it intentionally or maybe he has mental issues. In this way, such prisoners are a serious threat for the children and for personality. It is possible that they can misinform or cheat youth and in the future it will lead to many difficulties in a society. It will be much better if parents spend enough time and attention to their children, instead of visiting an ex-prisoner. People, who play an essential role in formation of child’s behavior are parents. So, from this side, second claim is right.
To conclude, I think that conversation with ex-offender will be helpful for teen, if parents are sure that it is wide decision. But there is no necessity to this. Parents’ attention is very important, as well.
* can significantly affect a people’s life.- affect people's lives * There is a lot of examples- There are ..... exampleS * We never can be sure that the person has realized his actions and has become a good citizen.- a person who ..... * Learn these collocations related to "action" and change the verb in the above sentence. * maybe he has mental issues- he might have some .....
VERB + ACTION take | call for | agree on The leaders have agreed on joint action to combat terrorism. | leap/spring/swing into The emergency services swung into action as soon as the disaster was reported. | carry out, perform, take Only the priest can perform these actions. We shall take whatever actions are necessary. | galvanize/prod/spur sb into We have to galvanize people into action. | bring/put sth into We need to put these ideas into action. | keep/put sb/sth out of A fire has put the factory out of action. * It will be much better if parents spend enough time and attention to their children, instead of visiting an ex-prisoner.- Since you are using "and" the word spend is related both to "enough time" and "attention". However, we do not have a collocation which says "spend attention", so you need to put a verb before it. Read the collocations below please VERB + ATTENTION devote, direct, give (sb/sth), pay, turn How many times do I have to ask you to pay attention? He had a cup of tea and then turned his attention to the report. | get, have, receive Can I have your attention, please? These poems have received a lot of critical attention. | attract, call, capture, catch, command, compel, draw, excite, grab I tried to attract the waiter's attention. Wherever he goes, he commands attention. She doesn't like to draw attention to her illness. | deflect, distract, divert, draw The government is trying to divert attention away from the economy. | hold, keep, rivet There was something in the way he spoke that riveted her attention. | concentrate, confine, focus In this chapter we shall confine our attention to non-renewable energy sources. | refocus, transfer The firm decided to refocus its attention back onto its traditional strengths and expertise. | deserve, need, require a matter requiring urgent attention | jostle for, vie for dozens of concerns jostling for your attention She was surrounded by men all vying for her attention. | repay an interesting essay that repays close attention | bring sth to My boss was grateful that I had brought the matter to his attention. | come to | avoid, escape Her primary aim was to avoid the attentions of the newspapers. * will be helpful for teen- a teen. Do you know the word adolescent noun [ C ] UK /ˌæd.əˈles.ənt/ US /ˌæd.əˈles.ənt/
It is C2 word. (advanced vocabulary) a young person who is developing into an adult * Rewrite this part " But there is no necessity to this. Parents’ attention is very important, as well."
You use linking words at a high level. However, the essay would be more satisfactory if you revised a structure of the introduction on the IeltsLiz and used complex sentences and less common words. Also, "a lot of " is not allowed to be used in the essay, maybe you will surrogate it with "numerous"
It is sometimes believed that prisoners, after their prison term, can successfully reintegrate back into their communities without re-offending. Furthermore, they can have a chance of rehabilitation by having preventative conversations with young generation about the dangers of committing a crime and I agree. This essay will first discuss the reason why ex-prisoners should be given a role in cutting youth crime, such as personal experience of ex-offenders, followed by analysis of how ex-prisoners are close to youngsters.
On no account should the importance of personal experience of ex-offenders’ be ignored. To put it differently, the person, who committed a crime and was sentenced to prison for term, witnessed the consequences of this type of behavior. Young people sometimes embark on a life of crime as a result of the bad influence of their criminal environment, thus the preventative conversations with a person who faced it Tate-a-Tate will prevent the risk of juvenile delinquency. For example, having carried out a research among youngsters in 2015 in Mexico, psychologists revealed that the number of young criminal have dropped significantly after this type of talks with ex-criminals.
Another vital argument to consider is the fact that the ex-offenders are people, who are aware of the feelings of young generation. In other words, the people who have gone through the prison regime, who know the streets, the youth on them, and what is on their minds, are people who have been there themselves, ex-prisoners. For instance, as the statistics shows, the vast majority of criminals committed a crime in early age and may have a close bond with a teenager, who behaves similar to them. Therefore, the conversation with a person, who understands you, would act a deterrent and would be one useful measure to tackle rising crime in the long run.
In conclusion, I consider that ex-offenders ought to have an opportunity to make a fresh start after they are released from prison by having preventative conversations with youngsters in order to decrease the risk of juvenile delinquency because of their personal experience and awareness about the youth on streets.
* Can you consider this part "...without re-offending....." Read your sentence outloud and correct it. * embark on a life of crime- really good expression * Stop using this please "For example, having carried out a research" * To put it differently, the person, who committed a crime and was sentenced to prison for term, witnessed the consequences of this type of behavior.- On no account should the importance of personal experience of ex-offenders'- Change this sentence into: Such people have been sentenced to prison for a term understand the consequences of this type of behavior. * who understands you,- Change "you" Thank you You should read books and articles in English to master writing skills. Read the rubrics for band score 6, 6.5,7 and 7.5 and analyze the difference between them.
It is often believed that ex-prisoners which arrived from the jails by the best version of them can prevent youngsters from breaking the law. On no account, the importance of this kind of communication cannot be ignored. I strongly agree within a given statement, because I think that person that released from prison can share with his or her experiences, that will show the reality of living there and help teenagers to solve their issues, which linked with the criminal. The main reason why I agree that humans that were in jails can reduce the number of juvenile delinquency is that the life which was spent behind the gates can open children’s eyes. The importance of sharing experiences between ex-prisoner and young generation cannot be emphasized too much. In the majority of situations youth do not realize the consequences of their acts, in their opinion after committing a crime they can escape but in the real-life, they go to jail. Therefore, this kind of people can help them to visualize and understand what kind of future waiting for them if they would choose the way full of crime. For example, people that left criminal in their past are choosing boys from streets and by trying to explain the actual life in jail and after it are preventing them from this style of life. Another reason is that only ex-criminal can understand the problems of a teenager who lost his/her way. They are aware of that it is an uphill to live in the society, where no one does not support and just judge you. In the place where they live there are no golden opportunities to become the best version of them, there is no key to success despite the criminal acts. Thus, bandits that acknowledge their mistakes may give lessons on how to start the new chapter.In conclusion, I with no doubt agree that people with criminal past can change the youngster’s lives, because these people have common mistakes, reasons in their pasts and they trust to each other.
Many feel that asking ex-prisoners to have a talk with teens is an efficient educational method. I tend to agree that a person who has been behind bars is a best one who can share with cons of committing crime.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, ex-offenders may inform students about possible consequences of breaking law. Their experiences are convincing which can affect students easily.These wrong-doers are real instances of people who have paid for doing something illegal. Therefore, crime education by offenders may increase awareness about results of law-breaking between young people. A great example of effective criminal education is kazakh television show about the life of prisoners after punishment. It is a show where ex-offenders describe their life in prison and promote to not do something illegal.
Despite the clear results talking with ex-prisoners can bring about, a combination of other education methods may bring better results. First, parents play a vital role in the social education of child about evils and ways to avoid them. It is evident that home environment is essential in the formation of a child's personality. Second, school teachers also play an important role in the perception of crime by students. Positive school environment ought to be advanced and facilitate crime prevention.
To sum up, I agree that talking with ex-offenders is an effective method. However, It is not the best way to improve awareness of young people about crime.
Good job linq!!!I noticed a good range of grammar and extended voabulary.However,as I know we cannot use words like sum up, in formal writing.I think, it will be better if you use instead of sum uo, in conclusion.Also,in future you can use ex-convicts,ex-cons instead of ex-prisoners. These synonyms will show your extended vocabulary better.But anyway, your writing was amazing and unique, keep work like that.
DeleteThanks for your feedback, I appreciate it!
DeleteHello! I am here to post a review to your essay. I would like to say that you have done an amazing job and that you clearly have potential!
DeleteNevertheless, the first paragraph of your essay could have been thought out a bit better. What I am trying to say is that your first paragraph refers to the topic of your essay very generally. You mention "efficient educational method" when in the main essay topic it is phrased as "talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime", which is more specific than "educational method". This generalization could reduce your Task Response score so be more careful.
I presume you wanted state that you do not fully agree with the topic by saying "I tend to agree"? The reason I am asking that is that "I tend to agree" is not a clear structure and could mean several things. In other words "I tend to agree" is not the most appropriate choice of words for the vibe you are going with in your essay. I recommend using something like "I agree up to a point, but..." or if you disagree you could say "I totally disagree with..."
Now, moving to body part of your essay. It is probably a good sign that you are trying to state your opinion in your essay. However, in agree disagree essay, opinions are better to be reserved for introduction and conclusion as in IELTS agree disagree essay in body parts it is prudent to start your body paragraph by stating the reason you agree or disagree with the topic. Instead of "In my opinion, ex-offenders may inform students about possible consequences of breaking law." you could restate it as "First of all, ex-offenders..." or "To begin with, ex-offenders..."
One of the strongest points your writing has is a good amount of vocabulary which is relevant to the topic at hand. Another is your usage of appropriate linking structures all across your essay.
Having said that, in two body paragraphs you only fully expand on only one idea why you agree/disagree that ex-prisoners are suitable moral educators for teenagers. Pay attention to the fact that you are tasked with justifying your answer in the current essay. The paragraph that starts with "Despite" does not count as a point you are trying to justify. That is because you use such phrase as "may bring better results". "MAY" indicates that you are uncertain about it, when in the task it is said that you must clearly give reasons and evidence, which means that you must be wholly certain. Instead of saying "may" I propose rethinking of how you want to state your idea. Re-make it and create a statement or a thesis. That would prove a lot more effective!
As you clearly aware of the structure of the body paragraphs and the essays in whole you are likely to get a bonus for that. Thesis statement - Supporting sentence - Evidence - Conclusion.
Your conclusion is appropriately concise and to the point. I admit that your essay was quite a bit confusing for me at the start. I hope you do not take my review to heart as I am in no way a proffessional reviewer, but I propose to think about the points I raised in this review. Thank you for your attention(if you read that of course...) and bye!
A growing number of people consider that offenders, who have served their prison sentence, are sufficient to share their experiences with adolescents since their discipline has been fixed. However, I strongly disagree with this suggestion since ex- offenders with criminal background are not the best instructors for younger generation and in some case, their guidance may even be hazardous.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, the instruction of criminals is not guaranteed to be reliable, in addition, young adults are not also ensured that they will learn only the helpful parts of their lesson. I consider that a prison affects prisoners in destructive way, for example, their psychology usually worsens throughout the prison sentence and they gain mental disabilities. Frequently do the criminals re-offend since they have not revisited their actions. If they will spread their knowledge to students, the latter ones may learn the inappropriate experience.
Furthermore, the more helpful people would be found if there was need for teaching of teenagers by experienced people. The well-known celebrities, who have come a long way to achieve a success would have much to share with younger learners. For example, our school invite respected businessmen, scientists, physicians and sportsmen and they tell us about principles of well-educated persons, the possible obstacles and the ways to overcome them. In comparison to criminals, who have committed crime once, we believe their words and try to repeat their success.
In conclusion, ex-offenders are not trustworthy individuals to allow them to teach the people at the early ages. Instead, adolescents should pay more attention to the words of authorities, who deserve it.
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteThis is a great piece and your grammar improvement compared to your last piece is evident. A few corrections, however, are in order. You have a good start, but I would have preferred if you used a ‘large’ number of people rather than a ‘growing’ number since your argument is against the use of ex-prisoners taking part in education-based programmes. In paragraph 1, line 2, the word sufficient is not in the correct context. Fit to share, allowed to share or justified to share is more appropriate. Towards the end of the same line, we can not be sure if the ‘discipline has been fixed’ and so use ‘presumed to have been corrected’.
DeleteIn paragraph 2, line 1; instruction should be replaced by information. In line 2 of the same paragraph; ensure should be replaced by sure, and helpful by useful. In line 4 of paragraph 2; ‘Frequently do the criminals re-offend since they have not revisited their actions’. This line sounds like a question rather than a statement. Revise it and make it clear, if it is a question, use a question mark at the end and ensure you answer it in the next few statements. The word ‘latter’ does not need the qualification ‘ones’ after it, it clearly refers to what comes after the former.
Finally, make sure you correctly use the articles ‘the’ and ‘a’ correctly and sometimes leave them out when they are not necessary as in paragraph 2 lines 3 line 1 and line 2; ‘the more helpful people’, leave out ‘the’ and ‘achieve ‘a’ success’, leave out ‘a’.
You concluding statements are good and clearly make your point undoubtedly clear. Well done.
People who have gone through the prison regime and started leading an ordinary life are considered to be the best people to give advices to the new generation about importance of maintaining civil laws. I completely agree with the statement. In this essay , I will discuss about why ex-prisoners are the best people to teach teenagers about possible dangers of committing a crime and give relevant arguments.
ReplyDeleteNowadays, one of the most precious things that human being possesses is freedom. That is why breaking civil laws is often followed by the deprivation of freedom depending on how much negative impact citizen give for the society. People who have been in prison can share the experience of living in terrible conditions and suffering from hunger and lack of hygiene. For most of them, jail was the survival, where they have to fight in order to live. They understand the value of freedom of actions which is mostly limited by federal law. Ex-prisoners can discuss about that with teenagers who will listen to them due to their experience.
Another vital argument would be that parents or teachers cannot affect on teenagers’ mind as ex-prisoners can, simply because most teenagers will listen people who can really understand them. According to the New York Times Review, the majority of the ex-prisoners were also teenagers with criminal backgrounds, this is why they are able to view that point of view. For most of the teenagers, committing a crime is might be a cool thing to do, which would give them following status and feeling of superiority over the peers. In the eyes of teenagers, ex-prisoners are heroes who have the courage to go against the law. It will be way easier for them to affect on teenagers’ actions.
In conclusion, I completely agree with the statement about ex-prisoners are the best people who can talk to teenagers about possible outcomes of committing a crime. They can have greater effect on teenagers due to their status and can share a valuable experience about living in prison.
Hi!
DeleteI have noticed that you used good vocabulary and grammatical strustures! Excellent! However, you need to take into consideration on minor mistakes, such as:
-word "advice is uncountable, so it takes no plural form.
-I think that it will be better if you say "discuss why...", not "discuss about why"
-Learn advanced grammar strustures (conditionals/inversions/passive&active voice)
Hey. Overall, u did a good job, you clearly express your opinion and support it in a very precise way.
DeleteHowever, your essay contains a negligible quantity of redundancy and tautology. You better to paraphrase ideas that you have mentioned already so that you show the range of your vocabulary.
There is a certain tricky structure for "To what extend" essays, that is not widely known. The trick is that in 1st paragraph of the body section you must talk about an opposite idea, opposite to what you agree, and in a 2nd paragraph, you have to wreck this opinion by using your solid arguments. Remember, that it is a "one idea" essay, and you can mention 1 argument for each paragraph.
It is believed that some former prisoners become solid citizens after a time, and they are the most influential people to teach teenagers about the risks of committing a crime. I totally agree that ex-prisoners can be a significant model to show the consequences of committing offences for younger generation.
ReplyDeleteThe main reason why ex-inmates can provide a good example of criminal participation is that they can share about their own crime-related past. By contributing experience, these people can demonstrate what it leads to. Not only does the story of former prisoners help for youth to interpret the implications of delinquency, but it also fosters a conscious and role model personality. For example special organizations can invite young adults to the meetings with law-breakers, so they could be aware of difficulties that can be faced and its hazardous effect on their future by taking a lesson.
The another reason why it is significant for teenagers to talk with some who was an offender is that ex-criminalists can be the only one who will be able to understand the thoughts of young people who has a thoughts of them who ae going to commit a crime. These people have the same ideas and mindset. Therefore, it is possible to prevent the acts that can be committed by teenagers by talking and explaining them the negative sides. If they will work with each other, it also will decrease the level of juvenile delinquency.
In conclusion, I absolutely agree that it is effective way to deal with the crime around young generation. This is due to the fact that by conversations, teenagers will understand the negative effect of committing an offence.
Hello, my dear friend!
DeleteI would like to mention some points of your essay:
1) Your essay structure is great! You have clear introduction, paragraphs and conclusion. You explain your reasons with examples, so your coherence is between 8 and 8.5. You skillfully orginized your essay.
2) Lets turn to your task response. Generally, your ideas is clear developed with relevant examples. However, in my opinion, your second paragraph needs a little more explaining. I suggest you to learn different stuctures of senetences in order to divide it, so it can be more clear.
3) You paraphrasing is good. Also, you use a wide range of vocabulary related to topic of crime. Despite having a little mistakes in using articles, you generally do not have a lot of mistakes.
4) You used a wide range of structures with great flexibility.
I recommend to you to acguire some another word collactions in order to sound fully-naturally. Also, you may add some more adverb, or tenses. Finally, you can develop ideas.
I really liked your essay, so I give you 7.5.
Good luck!
The structure and vocabulary are brilliant, you use less common words and topical vocabulary. The stucture is also impresionable, the essay has clear progression throughout and cohesive devices are used appropriately. There are few occasional mistakes in spelling , I think it is due to the fact that you were typing on the keyboard.
DeleteHi! I think that overall your essay is good. In terms of task achievement, you have written very well. You have shown the range of vocabulary and grammar. Moreover, you do not have problems with the number of words. So, I liked your work, but there are some grammar (and punctuation) mistakes which I have noticed:
Delete1) they are the most influential people to teach teenagers about the risks of committing a crime -> they are the most influntial people who can teach teenagers the risks of comitting a crime
2) ex-prisoners can be a significant model to show the consequences of committing offences for younger generation-> ex-prisoners can play a significant role in showing the younger generation the consequences of comitting offences
3) share about their own crime-related past-> share their own crime-related past
4) help for youth-> help youth
5) For example special organizations-> For example, special organizations
6) difficulties that can be faced and its hazardous effect-> difficulties that can be faced and their hazardous effects
7) ex-criminalists can be the only one-> ex-criminalist can be the only one
8) 'who has a thoughts of them who ae going to commit a crime' Sorry, but I could not understand this part, therefore, in my opinion, it would better to paraphrase it.
9) If they will work with each other, it also will decrease the level of juvenile delinquency.-> If they work with each other, it also will decrease the level of juvenile delinquency.(1st conditional)
10) 'In conclusion, I absolutely agree that it is effective way to deal with the crime around young generation.' I think that it would better to clarify what you mean by 'it'.
To sum up, I think that you need to work on prepositions and conditional clauses. However, as I wrote before, overall you have done a good job, so I wish you good luck.
* I totally agree that ex-prisoners can be a significant model to show - ...might become.... a role model/ role models..... to demonstrate/(to share their experience?)....
Delete* help for youth- Learn the rule for use of "help" and correct yourself
Help
PREP.
beyond ~
Some of the injured animals were beyond help and had to be destroyed.
| of ~
The manual is too technical to be of help to the inexperienced user.
| with ~
With a little help, I think I could fix the computer myself. We broke open the lock with the help of a spanner.
| ~ for
The training centre provides special help for the long-term unemployed.
| ~ from
With help from a parent, a child can do simple cooking.
| ~ in
Local teachers provided invaluable help in developing the material.
| ~ to
She's been a big help to her father.
| ~ with
He'll need help with this homework.
* The another- I corrected this and explained this in Version 1
THE is an article and "ANOTHER" is "AN"-+ "OTHER". Two articles cannot come together!
*Read all your comments including Version 1 and 2 before you post VErsion 3.
* who ae going to commit a crime. - Correct this
* If they will work- Correct this
* it is effective way - correct this
It is often believed that ex-inmates become law-abiding citizens after the serving a sentence. Moreover, others argue that they could explain the whole hazard of offending to juveniles. I strongly agree with that, because prisoners would re-think own future perspectives. Furthermore, this people have known all about the crimes, and they are only one who can deliver this point to younger generation.
ReplyDeleteOn the one hand, ex-prisoners would become a loyalist rather than committing one more crime. This is because, prison is considered as a place to ponder past sins and own mistakes. Hence, the majority of offenders becoming good citizens. However, not only does it have such effect, but prisoners also do not repeat past faults that could have led to a jail. Take for example, having carried out test among offenders in the UK, psychiatrist have revealed that they had not an evil intention anymore, on the contrast prisoners had wished only the freedom. As a result, this way from a crime to a jail real has an effect on people’s behavior in the long run.
Another point to consider is the ex-prisoners are the best one to make a conversation with teenagers. This is because, rarely do people realize about its importance, but inmates are the only one who can precisely describe the crimes and its adverse consequences. Moreover, ex-prisoners have passed this way in a psychological level too. Thus, by explaining all dangers of offending to youngsters, would decrease a juvenile delinquency in the long term. For instance, after the serving, people have an invaluable experience to share with children. However, despite the fact that they have committed a crime, their importance to teenagers cannot be emphasized too much.
To sum up, people who have served a sentence in a jail really become a good citizen and they are best who can talk with teenagers about the future risk of committing a crime. This is because they change inside, rethink their lives, and only who passed this horrible way and could share with own experience.
I like the way you think :)
DeleteI see a really good vocabulary that you used in your essay, which will significantly increase your mark in a real test, so good job!
I want to mention some minor mistakes in order to improve your essay:
1) I have checked that it is better to write "rethink" that the one with hyphen.
2) "having carried out a test"
3) "Take for example..." this sentence is too long, so there are some suggestions. Use semicolon before "on the contrast" and use "in contrast" or "on the contrary" instead.
4) "this way from a crime to a jail real has an effect on people’s behavior in the long run." this sentence is hard to read, try to paraphrase it. For example, "experiencing imprisonment significantly affect on people's behaviour in the long run."
5)"the ex-prisoners" are the "best oneS" or "best people".
6)" about its importance" about which importance, please clarify that in your next improved version.
7)"inmates are the only oneS"
8)"level too" use come before "too".
9)"their importance to teenagers cannot" I am not sure, but revise this part of essay. Probably use "for" instead "to".
10)" they change inside" --> "they have changed inside".
11) --> rethinked
12) "only who passed this horrible way and could share with own experience." please revise this part of sentence. May be, just replace it with "could share with own experience."
Many figures of public believe the culprits that have amended after prison for their misdemeanors, could be the reliable dilator of the sad consequences of law breakings. I fully agree with this statement due to they had seen all the difficulties of prison life; also they know the price of freedom.
ReplyDeleteThe prisoners have an experience in committing a crime whether it is minor or major. Once they have broken a law, it will lead to the various kind of punishments such as imprisonment, where they would do some unpaid community service. People, who have overcome through all of this, would know how it is better live in freedom, independently. In jail, person will be far away from his/her immediate relatives, which leads to feel homesick and lonely. Likewise, ex-prisoners could be the most relevant and appropriate people to talk to teenagers.
Offenders know that the person’s momentary action does not worth the punishment that would destroy your future. As we know, for the felons, it is really difficult to find a job, and build their career. In the majorities of cases, people do not trust them; moreover, regard them as unreliable and dangerous. For the criminals, that served their sentences in prison, are deprived most of the opportunities. Therefore, by committing crime, the person may block the chances for the bright future.
In conclusion, I believe that people should take into account the experiences of some people. Parents should make their children talk to lawbreakers, that know the consequences of disobeying rules and the value of free life, could prevent teenagers from destroying their life.
266 words.
Hey, Dr.Robert, a new and better man. Initially, I appreciate your job, since you have developed your essay by paraphrasing and using more complicated vocabulary in comparison with the last version of the essay. However, I hope you will memorize all that vocabulary, or I would advise you to use academic words that are easy to keep in mind as possible in order to train your lexicon.
DeleteSecondly, I am not sure whether you have used a translator or some invalid sources, but your essay suffers from phrases that do not exist in English. For example, “overcome through all of this” in third sentence of second paragraph what seems like direct and invalid translation from native language. I would recommend you to use reverse context which provides user with examples from TV series, films or books.
Thirdly, structure of your first body paragraph is bit invalid. While you ought to use example, result, idea and supporting sentences, you have used structure that have no this criteria. Moreover, first sentence looks like a filter what has adverse effect on your mark.
Well these is the main issues of your writing that have to be struggled and I hope it will, but I want to remind that vocabulary is really good as well as your arguments were strong, too.
*they had seen all the difficulties of prison life; also they- repetition of "they"
Delete*Learn collocations related to a "consequence" noun
ADJ.
full | far-reaching, important, profound | adverse, bad, catastrophic, damaging, dangerous, devastating, dire, disastrous, fatal, harmful, negative, serious, severe, terrible, tragic, unfortunate, unpleasant | beneficial, good, positive | major, main | direct, immediate | indirect | inevitable, necessary | likely, possible, potential | logical, natural | long-term, short-term | unintended | ecological, economic, electoral, environmental, financial, legal, physical, political, social
to face up to the physical consequences of ageing
* In jail, person- a person
* Offenders know that the person’s momentary action does not worth the punishment that would destroy your future.- My future?
* In the majorities of cases,- majority
* For the criminals, that served their sentences in prison, are deprived most of the opportunities.Therefore, by committing crime, the person may block the chances for the bright future. - You wrote "criminals" and them you wrote "the person" Correct it.
* Did you read my comment for the version 1?
*
* Many figures of public believe the culprits that have amended after prison for their misdemeanors, could be the reliable dilator of the sad consequences of law breakings.- Write like this instead:
DeleteThe public believes that the culprits that have reformed after prison are reliable sign of the sad consequences breakings the law.
There is a common belief that ex-prisoners who committed a crime and was in prison are the most appropriate people to talk to the young generation to prevent a crime. Some think that people after completing a prison sentence often change themselves in a better direction and well affect to the society.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree that ex-prisoners may become good citizens after being in prison. First of all, social activities including in prisoners’ life in different countries are being more popular. Offenders can spend their free time on art, playing some musical instruments and even writing their own books. These activities are essential for offenders, because they help prisoners to broaden horizons and do not allow returning to their criminal life. The good instance is that Singaporean prisons practice a method, where the number of books that are read could shorten the term of imprisonment.
Moreover, after completing a punishment ex-prisoners give lectures in schools usually among students and teenagers. It is the most effective way of describing strict rules and approaches used in prisons due to the information is given from people who have completed their imprisonment. The government always arranges these actions in order to reduce the rate of crimes and explain to teenagers the danger of committing a crime.
All things considered, the majority of ex-prisoners after imprisonment have the great chance to turn themselves into a better one and good effect on teenagers’ thoughts.
Good job!!! I really appreciate your ideas and structures. If you start your paragraph/sentence with "First of all", you ought to support it by adding Second of all/Thirdly and list linked ideas. However, you used "Moreover" at the beginning of the paragraph to start different ideas.
DeleteBesides, I suggest you to use synonyms to paraphrase your sentences, for instance, you used the word "ex-prisoners" 3 or more times.
Moreover, I think you could have completed the conclusion.
Commentor: Marco
Thank you, Smart Wood
DeleteIt is often thought that people who were convicted in the past may assist younger generation by talking to them about the hazards of committing a crime. I am completely against this idea because currently, a large number of criminals who have served their first prison sentence tend to reoffend.
ReplyDeleteNowadays, the cruel conditions in prisons can do not affect the criminals’ behavior because the offenders join to other inmates which can strengthen their criminal intentions. Because of this, not all of the ex-offenders are benevolent and most of them commit crimes again. Therefore, it is hard to choose the one who has already had an experience and has learned from his mistakes realizing the value of freedom. Only these people could be beneficial for adolescents to learn from. However, if a person who they interact with did not draw any conclusions, it will have a detrimental influence on youth.
Teenagers' deeper understanding of moral behavior must be initially developed by their parents because they play the significant part in forming of personalities of their children. Parents need to teach teenagers how to become the one who lives in harmony with the society and brings benefits to it. It can be done, for instance, by teaching how to avoid misunderstandings or how to solve the disagreements. Eventually, never will an adolescents who has improved his or her social skills become a criminal.
In conclusion, I think that the teenagers cannot learn from people who were sentenced to prison due to the risks that can be formed. This is because many offenders commit more crimes after serving their sentence. Moreover, it is the parents' responsibility to ensure that their children understand the harmful consequences of committing crimes.
Hello!
Delete-We cannot say "can do not", I think you should say "cannot"? (2nd paragraph 1st line)
-Check the preposition which is used with the word "join"
-It will be better to use "the majority of" or "a large number of" and other synonyms instead of "not all of the..." in order to make your writing more academic
-Try to replace the word "must" to "should")
We used conditionals and inversions) Good job!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSome individuals believe that teaching youngsters to prevent a crime by ex-offenders is the most efficient way, because offenders become good citizens after their first punishment. In my point of view, I totally disagree with that statement,because I think that ex-prisoners even after their severe punishment stay one of the dangerous people for society.
ReplyDeleteI know that some ex-convicts become good citizens,but not all of them.Criminals are often know the consequences before the comitting crime. For them, offense is normal and being behind bars is normal too.In prison,convicts do not learn something useful instead of this, they play bad table games, smoke and even plan a new crime with other professional criminals.For instance, in USA more than 55 percent of prisoners are offenders, who commited crime second,third or even forth time.
I strongly believe that the most appropriate individuals, who can teach teenagers to prevent a breaking law, are their parents,teachers or policemen.Only people, who really care about children's life, can teach them to act by law.Without any preparation,ex-offenders even cannot say something to children.The only language,which ex-cons can use is filthy language.It is why,I think that children should avoid the contact with any ex-covicts.
In conclusion, I strongly believe that once a criminal is not always a criminal.But, who is realy criminal is not able to change his or her way of thinking.Only parents or teachers should teach children,but not offenders.
250 words
Hello, Rakamakafo! I would like to thank you for such a good essay. However, please take into attention some suggestions:
Delete1) "I totally disagree with that statement" - I totally disagree with THIS statement, because you already have mentioned the statement beforehand, in the previous sentence.
2) "dangerous" - replace with unreliable, insecure,precarious or hazardous, because as you know if you want to get a high band, you should use more academic vocabulary
3) "being behind bars is normal too" - being behind bars is normal, too (there is a comma before "too")
4) I liked your example sentence in the first body paragraph(BP) very much, sounds reliable and relevant.
5) I believe, you should start your 1st BP with the linking word as you need to show that you are giving arguments to prove your point of view, so it would be better if you use the linking word such as To begin with, Firstly/First of all and etc.
6) Please, pay attention to your articles, as sometimes you forget to put them. For example, these are cases where you should put an article: "to act by (ARTICLE) law"," (ARTICLE) offense is normal"," is (ARTICLE) filthy language", and "who is realy (ARTICLE) criminal".
7) "It is why," - please, replace it with That is why/Therefore/This is a reason why
8) "realy" - realLy
Your essay is really superior regarding your arguments and a logical connection between paragraphs, thank you for your hard work! )
Nowadays, due to dramatically increasing crime rates, people are seeking ways to prevent youth from turning to crime. According to strenuous believes, people who had served a prison sentence and, eventually, embarked on the path of upstanding civilians are most appropriate to apprise youth of the consequences of being engaged in crime in order to prevent a young generation from mimicking violent behavior. This essay will argue why such a practice is an absolute imperative.
ReplyDeletePeople have always been wary of ex-prisoners making an attempt to settle in society. The community has always been wary of ex-prisoners making an attempt to fit in society again. The community naturally feels suspicious about the behavior of the person who has served a sentence. Most of them assume that ex-offenders who turned to crime are capable of repeating themselves. Indeed, there have been occasions when changes in behaviors of criminals were negligible whilst after jail. These few instances have bolstered existing fears in certain demographics that ex-inmates might be potentially dangerous for surrounding so that they prefer not to let their children communicate with ex-criminals.
Despite the minor risks associated with ex-prisoners, the idea that they must not talk to offsprings to inform about the dangers of committing a crime is preposterous.
First of all, ex-offenders who have become peaceful citizens tend to be perfect models of rehabilitation and mending whos experiences must be given to the widest publicity, children, in particular. Adult people cannot keep pretending as if representatives of criminal groups do not exist. Adolescents must be aware that ex-criminals, thieves, shoplifters, murderers, vandals, smugglers, and juvenile delinquents who changed their ways, are living in the same community, on the same street, working near, because they are one who shows that it is never late to cease. Their stories must be told and heard, so that every teenager knows how does the criminalistic path start and what consequences it has. Children who were apprised of the pertinent cost that every crime demands - time that has elapsed ungraciously.
Moreover, it must be mentioned that teenager is more likely to believe someone who made his own effort to become a conscientious individual comparing with any lecturer and speaker. As a student, I would prefer to ask personal questions concerning ex-criminals past and receive honest and versatile responses that do not leave me befuddled, which presents the integrity of the idea of committing a crime and explains the connotations of re-education. In my mind, a student, who has an opportunity to get familiar with the experience of the offender at first hand will never turn to crime.
At the end of the day, we must not ignore ex-criminals and abstract their existence. Being involved in soluting social issues and communicative tasks have a positive impact on the efficiency of their rehabilitation. People whose effusive actions had a negative impact on society once must help to prevent the occurrence of a new one.
Taking into account the aforementioned aspects, I believe that the dangers of crime should be told by ex-prisoners which, precisely, will lead to the reduction of crime rate among teenagers.
Hello, MagicUnicorn! Your essay is really well written. However, you repeated one idea/sentence 2 times "People have always been wary of ex-prisoners making an attempt to settle in society. The community has always been wary of ex-prisoners making an attempt to fit in society again." Moreover, "making an attempt" -> "attempting"
DeleteYou wrote "juvenile deliquents", but the correct version is "juvenile delinquency" or "delinquents".
Try to paraphrase your words (ex-prisoners, criminals)
Additionally, you wrote 1 sentence in one paragraph, and in the whole essay, you got too many paragraphs.
Commentor: Marco_♕
Some people argue that those who were inmates then become good citizens later and they are able to read lectures for young people about the violence and crimes. I am partially agree with this statement. In this essay, I will state my point of the view and give reasons for that.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, people who commit a crime could teach others about crimes, because, ex-prisoners will take focus on their own experience. Furthermore, they will give examples from the real life, which will help them to argue their point of the view. For instance, former prisoners are able to talk about time spent in jail with providing evidence. Based on this, teenagers and modern society will understand that committing crimes bring severe punishment.
Secondly, since inmates committed crimes and took punishment, then it seems that they understood their mistake and it was a lesson for them. However, there are no any statistics or the data, which could give us evidence that people who were inmates become good citizens. Despite of that, people can find out who the other people are, only from communication with them.
Overall, It depends from the people if they changed or not. We cannot make any assumptions by looking only on one person. However, if the prisons are exist, so it helps to prevent serious crimes. I am of the view that not always ex-prisoners become good citizens, but they can give important information since they had an experience
Hello, Young Jake, you wrote very nice essay. You clearly mentioned your opinion and ideas. You used wide range of vocabulary and linking words. But, you have some mistakes that you need to improve to get better mark. Firslty, you have a insignificant mistake in sentence "Based on this, teenagers and modern society will understand that committing crimes bring severe punishment", where you needed to use "brings". Secondly, in conclusion, I don't recommend you to use structure, like "I am of the view that ..." in your essay. But overall, your essay is pretty good. Keep practicing and you will get better mark
DeleteThere is a considerable debate among population whether ex-prisoners should give a talk to young generation about the future threats of committing a crime. While some people believe these are the most suitable people to have a conversation with teenagers, others assert that not an every reformed offender becomes an upstanding citizen after a prison. I totally agree that ex-offenders should have a chance to meet with adolescents, as they are finest personalities to talk with.
ReplyDeleteThe main reason why this strategy ought to be implemented is that this is a golden opportunity to share the life experience of rehabilitated delinquents. In other words, the true-life story of a person, who has struggled with severe consequences of crime, might be very helpful to prevent a youngster from potential dangers. For instance, having conducted an investigation in Canada scholars discovered that meetings with ex-prisoners not only aided to raise teenager`s awareness about threats that crimes might bring on a conscious level, but it also affected them emotionally. Therefore, the personal experience of jailers will benefit adolescents by providing food for thought to comprehend the future threats of the offence.
Another reason why it is superior to adopt this method is that it will serve as an untraditional way of educating pupils. Therefore, student`s interest and willingness would be increased very much, thus being an effective tool of removing dispel ideas of youth. In addition, by allowing ex-prisoners to act for the sake of people they are going to be granted with a great chance of successfully integrating back to community. As a result, there will be an enormous advantage to both members of society.
To conclude, I am firmly convinced that it is an excellent idea to give reformed offenders an opportunity to make a contribution to the development of the community by educating young generation to avoid committing a crime.
* For instance, having conducted an investigation in Canada scholars discovered that meetings with ex-prisoners not only aided to raise teenager`s awareness about threats that crimes might bring on a conscious level, but it also affected them emotionally.- "For instance, having conducted an investigation in Canada scholars discovered that meetings with ex-prisoners not only aided to raise teenager`s awareness about threats that crimes might bring on a conscious level, but it also affected them emotionally." Change this. Is this true? If it is not why are you writing this?
DeleteSome people state that in order to prevent juvenile delinquency, offspring should have conversation about it with felons who become good citizens after their release from a jail. I partially agree that this is the best way to rise a good individuals.
ReplyDeleteInitially, it is beneficial for children to know about consequences of crime from prisoner who had committed crime before. This practice would explain them how harmful as well as disastrous is any crime and teach them to be more responsible, well-minded persons. The reason is that they will see the cause-consequence relationship between a wrongdoing and ruining life. To illustrate this, I have told by one person have been in jail, who said me that he would have never do what caused him to be condemned, if only he could.
On the other hand, not always this kind of action is capable to prevent “early crime” because scientists from USA who have studied about death penalty and its impact on the crime stated that the fact that they will be killed after the crime didn’t stop them. Consequently, if the stiff penalty couldn’t stop this sort of people why do we think that conversation with the ex-prisoners can? Moreover, juvenile delinquency is the effect of low education, bad parenting, harmful society or other economic as well as social issues that make them to go and robe someone. Good evidence is the fact that the regions, where teenagers have committed crimes more are undeveloped areas with high rate of death, poverty or starvation.
In conclusion, the practice may decrease a crime among youth, but not in all regions because the main cause that leads to crime is dysfunction. Consequently, to solve this issue, authorities should consider the problem of living in conditions of family tribulation.
*offspring - Is this a countable noun?
Delete* Initially, it is... - Change this
* more responsible, well-minded persons. - use "and" before the last noun when you are listing objects
* I have told by one person have been in jail, - I was told, Passive voice should be used here
* couldn’t stop
* why do we think that - correct this, this is not a question
(Why we consider that)
* to crime is dysfunction. Dysfunction of what?
You writing skills are getting better. Keep up working on collocations.
Most people believe that by participating in a conversation with former prisoners, adolescents will be fully warned of the risk that ex-prisoner is forced to bear by committing illegal behavior. Personally, I completely agree with this idea.
ReplyDeleteThere are several reasons why former offenders can affect young people and prevent crime on their part. Firstly, real stories about the circumstances of people's lives can attract more attention than notations from non-criminals. As a result, a teenager will be able to fully understand not only the content of the history of the criminal, but also the messages that adults are trying to convey to them. Moreover, in conversations with former criminals, students have the opportunity to speak with someone who has broken the law.
Secondly, this practice will enable the government to spend less on social education. This is due to the fact that if past criminals play a crucial role in the training given to adolescents, the state budget will not be allocated to instructors or teachers. For example, when Jordan Belford was released, a well-known financial swindler visited various schools in the United States to tell his story of the crime and its negative consequences, as well as the punishment that he suffered. Through these lessons, students can become aware of the danger they face when committing a financial crime without any significant cost to schools.
In conclusion, I believe that students and the public could benefit from the involvement of former offenders in education.
* Personally, I completely agree with this idea. This is a hanging sentence you need to justify why you completely agree.
Delete* the government to spend less on social education. To spend what?
Overall, you have written a really good essay. It can be seen that you are working on collocations. Keep up working. Familiarize yourself with IELTS writing rubrics and learn the difference between band score 6, 6.5 and 7.
Many people say that those who have been through a prison sentence, and changed their behavior for the better, are among the best people to consult regarding the risks of going against the law with teenagers. I totally agree with the opinion stated above due to the fact that people with experience have better grounds in regards to consulting others.
ReplyDeleteAccording to social studies conducted throughout the years, personal experience is one of the deciding factors when consulting others about topics such as dangers of committing a crime. Considering that the knowledge of crime related dangers which is available to us through mass media has a decent possibility of containing inaccuracies, the person who has already broken the law at least once will be able to provide more extensive knowledge in regards to the consequences of such actions. Just as the theoretic knowledge contains differences from practical knowledge, the information obtained through rumors differs from the first-hand information.
Another vital factor to examine is the effectiveness of the advisor's recommendations. Advice from the former prisoner on the dangerous sides of not abiding by the law will not only contain more credibility, but bigger practical value as well. For instance, in Kazakhstan some of the popular TV shows about crime have proven useful in child education. Thus, it is wrong to treat the practice of having ex-convicts as tutors as a foreign or new concept.
Nevertheless, leaving the wrongdoers and delinquents with the undeveloped minds is a large risk. Underage exploitation is one of the worst possible outcomes of such practice. Whether this method is efficient or not, in either case the practice should be done with supervision.
Overall, it is not wrong to utilize the prisoners and their knowledge to assist the child education, but only if the children are monitored at the time of education.
Your essay's structure and linking words are excellent! You used complex structures and advanced vocabulary
DeleteWell done!!!!
DeleteYour sentence structure, considering point of views, analysing and evaluating are all in high standard, well done!!!. However, "The help that can be provided by an ex-prisoners could be confined by the limitation of their experience" do you think this could be another argument?. " There is always a room for improvement" you are in the right track, keep up and aim higher. Well done to you again!!!!
DeleteGood job on this essay. You got me on the following:
Delete* English is really good
* Ideas are expressed thoroghly
* Good introduction
* Good conclusion
* Good arguments
Just consider the point for consideration to make this essay a great piece of work:
* Intorduction is good. I just want that you can rephrase this statement because I am not getting the whole idea of you mean here: due to the fact that people with experience have better grounds in regards to consulting others. Please simplify especially in the last part about in regards to consulting others
* There are statements that are too long. Consider revising by simplifying or make it two statements
example: Considering that the knowledge of crime related dangers
* It will be good to mention what social studies that you are referring here because there are a lot of social studies. If possible cite the specific source or you have to cite that readers will understand where is the source of the argument. It is important that you have to cite the source to make the argument really valid. Likewise, it will be good to mention the name of that Kazakh popular tv shows that talk about this concern.
Nevertheless, if you will consider the suggestions and feedback, I believe that this work is already a great essay. Keep up the good work!
Today it is believed by some people that the ex-prisoners, who have been punished for their crimes, become sensible citizens and they are the finest individuals to have a conversation with representatives of young generation, while others claim that it is incorrect and a key factor in the shaping of the child’s personality is parents. I partly agree with both statements and in this essay I will discuss it from different sides.
ReplyDeleteTo begin with, it is clear that the real experience is one of the most effective ways for people to understand the awfulness of their actions and in this way, ex-offenders can help to prevent youngsters from committing a crime. If the ex-criminal really has become a person with high sense of responsibility, he will explain his feelings and thoughts that he had during the sentence in the prison. When talking with such people, teens will realize by themselves that the crime will not lead to anything good. Such life experience is very effective and can significantly affect a people’s life. There is a lot of examples when little siblings understand and keep in mind the story from a real life told by you where you made a mistake. That is why people who have been in prison are one of the best people to talk to teenagers.
On the other hand, we should understand that there are several types of crimes and criminals. We never can be sure that the person has realized his actions and has become a good citizen. Also, it is important to know the reasons why he committed a crime, maybe he did it intentionally or maybe he has mental issues. In this way, such prisoners are a serious threat for the children and for personality. It is possible that they can misinform or cheat youth and in the future it will lead to many difficulties in a society. It will be much better if parents spend enough time and attention to their children, instead of visiting an ex-prisoner. People, who play an essential role in formation of child’s behavior are parents. So, from this side, second claim is right.
To conclude, I think that conversation with ex-offender will be helpful for teen, if parents are sure that it is wide decision. But there is no necessity to this. Parents’ attention is very important, as well.
* can significantly affect a people’s life.- affect people's lives
Delete* There is a lot of examples- There are ..... exampleS
* We never can be sure that the person has realized his actions and has become a good citizen.- a person who .....
* Learn these collocations related to "action" and change the verb in the above sentence.
* maybe he has mental issues- he might have some .....
VERB + ACTION
take | call for | agree on
The leaders have agreed on joint action to combat terrorism.
| leap/spring/swing into
The emergency services swung into action as soon as the disaster was reported.
| carry out, perform, take
Only the priest can perform these actions. We shall take whatever actions are necessary.
| galvanize/prod/spur sb into
We have to galvanize people into action.
| bring/put sth into
We need to put these ideas into action.
| keep/put sb/sth out of
A fire has put the factory out of action.
* It will be much better if parents spend enough time and attention to their children, instead of visiting an ex-prisoner.- Since you are using "and" the word spend is related both to "enough time" and "attention". However, we do not have a collocation which says "spend attention", so you need to put a verb before it. Read the collocations below please
VERB + ATTENTION
devote, direct, give (sb/sth), pay, turn
How many times do I have to ask you to pay attention? He had a cup of tea and then turned his attention to the report.
| get, have, receive
Can I have your attention, please? These poems have received a lot of critical attention.
| attract, call, capture, catch, command, compel, draw, excite, grab
I tried to attract the waiter's attention. Wherever he goes, he commands attention. She doesn't like to draw attention to her illness.
| deflect, distract, divert, draw
The government is trying to divert attention away from the economy.
| hold, keep, rivet
There was something in the way he spoke that riveted her attention.
| concentrate, confine, focus
In this chapter we shall confine our attention to non-renewable energy sources.
| refocus, transfer
The firm decided to refocus its attention back onto its traditional strengths and expertise.
| deserve, need, require
a matter requiring urgent attention
| jostle for, vie for
dozens of concerns jostling for your attention She was surrounded by men all vying for her attention.
| repay
an interesting essay that repays close attention
| bring sth to
My boss was grateful that I had brought the matter to his attention.
| come to | avoid, escape
Her primary aim was to avoid the attentions of the newspapers.
* will be helpful for teen- a teen. Do you know the word adolescent
noun [ C ]
UK /ˌæd.əˈles.ənt/ US /ˌæd.əˈles.ənt/
It is C2 word. (advanced vocabulary)
a young person who is developing into an adult
* Rewrite this part " But there is no necessity to this. Parents’ attention is very important, as well."
You use linking words at a high level. However, the essay would be more satisfactory if you revised a structure of the introduction on the IeltsLiz and used complex sentences and less common words. Also, "a lot of " is not allowed to be used in the essay, maybe you will surrogate it with "numerous"
ReplyDeleteIt is sometimes believed that prisoners, after their prison term, can successfully reintegrate back into their communities without re-offending. Furthermore, they can have a chance of rehabilitation by having preventative conversations with young generation about the dangers of committing a crime and I agree. This essay will first discuss the reason why ex-prisoners should be given a role in cutting youth crime, such as personal experience of ex-offenders, followed by analysis of how ex-prisoners are close to youngsters.
ReplyDeleteOn no account should the importance of personal experience of ex-offenders’ be ignored. To put it differently, the person, who committed a crime and was sentenced to prison for term, witnessed the consequences of this type of behavior. Young people sometimes embark on a life of crime as a result of the bad influence of their criminal environment, thus the preventative conversations with a person who faced it Tate-a-Tate will prevent the risk of juvenile delinquency. For example, having carried out a research among youngsters in 2015 in Mexico, psychologists revealed that the number of young criminal have dropped significantly after this type of talks with ex-criminals.
Another vital argument to consider is the fact that the ex-offenders are people, who are aware of the feelings of young generation. In other words, the people who have gone through the prison regime, who know the streets, the youth on them, and what is on their minds, are people who have been there themselves, ex-prisoners. For instance, as the statistics shows, the vast majority of criminals committed a crime in early age and may have a close bond with a teenager, who behaves similar to them. Therefore, the conversation with a person, who understands you, would act a deterrent and would be one useful measure to tackle rising crime in the long run.
In conclusion, I consider that ex-offenders ought to have an opportunity to make a fresh start after they are released from prison by having preventative conversations with youngsters in order to decrease the risk of juvenile delinquency because of their personal experience and awareness about the youth on streets.
* Can you consider this part "...without re-offending....." Read your sentence outloud and correct it.
Delete* embark on a life of crime- really good expression
* Stop using this please "For example, having carried out a research"
* To put it differently, the person, who committed a crime and was sentenced to prison for term, witnessed the consequences of this type of behavior.- On no account should the importance of personal experience of ex-offenders'- Change this sentence into: Such people have been sentenced to prison for a term understand the consequences of this type of behavior.
* who understands you,- Change "you"
Thank you
You should read books and articles in English to master writing skills.
Read the rubrics for band score 6, 6.5,7 and 7.5 and analyze the difference between them.
It is often believed that ex-prisoners which arrived from the jails by the best version of them can prevent youngsters from breaking the law. On no account, the importance of this kind of communication cannot be ignored. I strongly agree within a given statement, because I think that person that released from prison can share with his or her experiences, that will show the reality of living there and help teenagers to solve their issues, which linked with the criminal. The main reason why I agree that humans that were in jails can reduce the number of juvenile delinquency is that the life which was spent behind the gates can open children’s eyes. The importance of sharing experiences between ex-prisoner and young generation cannot be emphasized too much. In the majority of situations youth do not realize the consequences of their acts, in their opinion after committing a crime they can escape but in the real-life, they go to jail. Therefore, this kind of people can help them to visualize and understand what kind of future waiting for them if they would choose the way full of crime. For example, people that left criminal in their past are choosing boys from streets and by trying to explain the actual life in jail and after it are preventing them from this style of life. Another reason is that only ex-criminal can understand the problems of a teenager who lost his/her way. They are aware of that it is an uphill to live in the society, where no one does not support and just judge you. In the place where they live there are no golden opportunities to become the best version of them, there is no key to success despite the criminal acts. Thus, bandits that acknowledge their mistakes may give lessons on how to start the new chapter.In conclusion, I with no doubt agree that people with criminal past can change the youngster’s lives, because these people have common mistakes, reasons in their pasts and they trust to each other.
ReplyDelete