Task 14 Version 1 Some people who have been in prison become good citizens later and it is often argued that these are the best people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of committing a crime.
To what extend do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and support your arguments with examples and relevant evidence.
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ReplyDeleteThere is opinion that prison makes people more tolerant and ex-prisoners may be sufficient teachers to young generation. I completely disagree with this idea because of risks of students being educated from people, who have turned to crime.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, there is likelihood of re-offending after serving a prison sentence. According to Bureau of Justice Statistics, 67.5% of prisoners released in 1994 were rearrested within 3 years, therefore, inmates hardly rectify their behaviour . In prison, there are none of works in order to correct the view and psychology of offenders. If they rubbed their shoulders with youngsters, they would become would-be-criminals. Anyways, education from is not the mean of reducing crime.
It is important to consider that there are many other figures that can prevent crime of teenagers. Nowadays, teachers, parents and policemen work on the behavior of students. Educational movies about the later life of offender, the consequences of crime and attitude of society to ex-inmates can be shown in order to prevent crime among teenagers. According to many sources, the main causes of people under 18 committing a crime is an incorrect managing of free time, poverty, lack of interacting with relatives and so on. There are not reasons related to conversation with released inmates. Therefore, there is no need to involve criminals in the education of children.
All things considered, talking with offenders may be dangerous for society. Instead, we can educate our children by other reliable sources. A communication with ex-prisoners is not necessary.
Opening remarks are crucial. 'a view' or 'an' opinion rather than There is opinion...
DeleteParagraph 2 has good start showing evidence of research with statistical evidence. This is commendable. The grammar is however a challenge. The word ‘therefore’ has been used as a sentence breaker which should not be the case.
In line 7, refer to the subject here. Use ‘students’ instead of ‘they’ for clarity since the first ‘they’ in this sentence refers to the ex-prisoners. Also do not use slang, like 'anyways'. This sentence also has missing information and does not make sense.
Line 9..prevent crime 'of' teenagers. Replace 'of' with 'among'
You then give very good points showing a well structured argument supporting your views. This is excellent.
Overall, the piece of writing is good but you need to improve on the grammar part of it. Well done.
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DeleteSome ex-prisoners who become decent residents are, it is believed, the best people to adolescents to tell about threat posed by a crime. Personally, I think theoretically, this idea is great, however in real life, it will encounter some issues in putting its into effect. So, I partly agree with this statement and in this essay I will support my opinion with examples.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, it is common situation when prison changes a person. For a long period of time, in isolated space of prison, people who have commited a crime are tend to think about their behavior and fault. They are starting to understand how to correct their wrongdoings, so, generally, they redefining the way of life they have before. Prisoners think about that not only from their perspective, but also from the point of view of their inmates because they share different stories. They have what to deliver to the world and in that cases it is extremely important to let criminals talk about their experience.
On the other hand, the reason why I am not totally agree with this idea is that I do not think that prisoners should interact with teenagers. It should be taken into consideration that in this age, people are not emotionally stable and adults at all, so it can not be predicted how they will interpret the stories told by prisoners.Even though those prisoners become good citizens, unfortunately, the fact that they have experienced a prison will bias teenagers. Teenagers will be influenced by negative stereotypes about prisoner’s behaviour, lifestyle and actions. The people who want to talk about danger of committing crime will be disappointed because of teeanger’s attitude and refused talk more then. It is actually continuing exercising the social pressure from not only other adults, but also from teenagers too.
In conclusion, although this idea seems to be a brilliant, in real life it is hard to implement it successfully. In order to make it viable people should overcome the issues I described above. In my view, this experience needs time before people’s mind will change.
I agree-I do not agree
DeleteShe agrees- She does not agree
It should be taken into consideration that in this age, people are not emotionally stable and adults at all, so it can not be predicted how they will interpret the stories told by prisoners.- Reconsider this sentence please.
Even though those prisoners become good citizens, unfortunately, the fact that they have experienced a prison will bias teenagers.- Reconsider this sentence.
The first point to be mentioned is that your vocabulary has wide range, you use topical vocabulary and less common items. However, I reckon that you should check your sentence structure and punctuation. For example, the first sentence of the conclusion should be changed to "it is hard to implement it succesfully in real life". In addition, maybe you ougt to put an article. In the next sentence after that, you have missed a comma.
DeleteVery well! You have done good job
DeleteYou have a really good vocabulary range that you used in your essay, which will significantly increase your mark in a real test, so good job!
I want to mention some minor mistakes in order to improve your essay:
1) "people who have commited a crime are tend to think" Word commited should be written like committed. Also, there are no such thing like "are", whole sentence ought to be written like "people who have committed a crime tend to think about their behavior and fault."
2) There are too many complex sentences with 3 or 4 commas. I think you should restrict them in order to avoid mistakes.
Thank you for your comments!
DeletePlan
ReplyDelete1)I support this arguing
2)Usual life in prison
3)The target before and the result after turning to crime
4)conclusion
Someones argue that who have in prison are people to talk to teenagers about the dangers of commiting crime. I completely agree with this point of view.
People who was the inmate in the past expierenced the hards of life in prison on theirselfs, that is why they know better what means to be prisoner.There are severe life conditions, harsh attitude of prisoners between them. People who really have seen this things in prison can describe it i the best way to teenagers.
Secondly, prisoners know that there is nothing good in turning to crime and anyway there is no happy end after commiting crime. They remember what was their expectations and what they get after crime commiting. For example most of us know about that many organisations do not take to the job man who was the prisoner or has criminal record. It means that even after leaving the prison there will be consiquences and obstacles on the way to the normal life.people who have been in prison know about these kind of things better than anybody because of the expierence and that is why they are ones who must to tell to teenagers about dangers of commiting a crime.
Realisation of this thing will save teenagers from spoling their lives, reduce crime and make society safer. I think that advices from former prisoners to teenagers is the most convenient way to prevent future crimes.
* Instead of "Someones" you should write "Some people or just Some"
Delete* I completely agree with this point of view. Here you need to explain why you agree.
*People who was the inmate in the past expierenced the hards of life in prison on theirselfs,- themselves and please reconsider this sentence.
* what means to be prisoner- a prisoner
* Do not use "thing" it is not an academic word.
*after crime commiting. - after comitting a crime
*many organisations do not take to the job man who was the prisoner - do not employ (Take means -забирать)
* It means that even after leaving the prison - After being released (Use here topical vocabulary related to prison since the examiner will be looking for it.)
Where is your conclusion?
Where are your paragraphs?
Work on your introduction and conclusion please.
Are you working on model essays?
Hello.
DeletePlan: It is a good idea to write a plan beforehand, but there is no need to write it on the blog.
Introduction: Instead of "Someones argue" (which sounds non-academic) you ought to use other phrases, such as "Some people argue", "It is believed", "There is a belief" etc.
"who have in prison" - wrong word choice. Please, you topic vocabulary, such as "ex-prisoners", "People who have gone through the prison regime" (cr:essay on the blog).
In general, your introduction is not clear and overgeneralized. Try to be specific. You have a background statement (a paraphrase of the essay question), but unfortunately you have a weak, not clear thesis statement(direct answer to the question). I suggest you to work with this site: https://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-task-2-how-to-write-an-introduction/
P1: There is no such word as “theirselves” (and you certainly can't spell it “theirselfs”); it's “themselves.” Check the spelling of "experienced". The word "hards" does not exist, you may use "experience difficulties" instead.
Instead of using simple vocabulary "what means to be A prisoner", you should use "the person, who committed a crime and was sentenced to prison for term, witnessed the consequences of this type of behavior". This will delineate your large vocabulary, thus you will get a high score.
In my point of view, you have no arguments or examples. Therefore, your body paragraph 1 is weak, please work on that.
P2: Check the spelling of "committing". "what were their expectations". Never use personal pronounce, such as "Us", "I" etc in academic writing. Never use "to" after "must","should". "Advice" is uncountable, which means there is no "adviceS".
You need to seriously work on your essay, otherwise you will get 5.5 . You have written 236 words, but the minimum number in writing task 2 is 250. Pay attention to that. https://ieltsliz.com/ielts-writing-task-2/ I hope, this site will be useful for you. But I like your idea :)
It is generally believed that the prison should re-educate people for the better and it is true that after being released from prison, several people changed themselves to become better. Some people strongly believe that ex-prisoners are the best people to talk about negative effect of crime to young generation.
ReplyDeleteI personally agree with this statement
Initially, it ought to be admitted that not all prisoners become good citizens. Some of them do not want follow the rules of living society due to the several reasons. Nevertheless, many of them have successfully followed positive self-development programs. These programs were especially made for rehabilitation of ex-prisoners in order to make them full-fledged part of society. Former prisoners in the first place need such help, because after leaving the prison and entering a completely new society, they will have problems with employment and modern technologies.
Secondly, these people have got enough experience to share them with young generation. "It's better to see something once, than to hear about it a thousand times." - Asian Proverb. So, who else can so accurately convey the essence and meaning of justice if not they? Also, they would become a great mentor or psychologist, because they can understand the minds of teenagers and mentally put them on their situation.
Taking everything into consideration, I want to say that I strongly believe that once a criminal is not always a criminal. If people regret about their past and want to be better than they actually are it is really good example to teenagers.(256 words)
Hello my dear friend,
Deletefirstly, I would like to mention some good points of your writing:
1) You use great word collocations such as 'full-fledged part of society', 'self-development programs'.
2) You have good writing structure, and linkning words like 'taking
3) You use an asian proverb, it helps you to support your claim.
everything into consideration' and so on.
However, I have some suggestions for you:
1)'re-educate people for the better' does not sound natural for English, so next time try to use word collocations related to crime.
2) Unfortunately, I could not see that you express a clear ideas and position. You addressed the task only partially. Just take your time and work carefully on your ideas.
3) IELTS examiners require a wide range of structure sentences, so next time try to use different structures.
4) You have some extra commas and in some cases there are articles. For example, before 'because' there are no comma.
Generally, your writing is good but you have your hands full.
I give you 4.5 band score.
*several people changed themselves to become better.- Avoid generalization by using modal verbs
Delete* Separate your paragraphs if you are not indenting please.
* "It's better to see something once, than to hear about it a thousand times." - Asian Proverb. Reconsider this sentence please
*I want to say that I strongly believe- Avoid writing "I want to say"
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThese days, prison is assumed as an effective method of punishment for offenders. After running the punishment most people tend to become good members of society.Relied on that fact, the majority of people are in the opinion that they are a role model for teenagers.
ReplyDeleteI personally agree with the statement and I have some reasons why.
First and foremost, apprehension of criminals is usually provided with activities as a sport training, education or art which are useful in their future. For instance, they are taught about psychology, art, cooking, playing musical instruments or they might be recruited for football team in prison.Those lessons are efficient to form social behaviour of offenders and make them acceptable in society.
Additionally, difficulties that might be faced when living in prison can be detailed described only by person who running out punishment time.To reveal, they can show how they are remorseful after commiting a crime action. Stories about separated families may become memorable for adolescents. After a conversation with criminals, teenagers will think twice if they want to disobey the applied laws.
To sum up, it can be concluded that the majority of people become better citizens after obtaining experience at the jail, due to that fact they are likely to be suitable people to tell the tenagers about drawbacks of committing crime
Hi, linq! I am glad to possess an opportunity to read your work! Overall, I liked it very much. However, I would suggest you to work on these points:
Delete1) pay attention to your articles as they are the most common mistakes at IELTS. For instance, you write "an effective method of punishment", but it must be "THE effective method of punishment" as you are providing the specific example(in this case quality of method) rather than general type and your phrase if also followed by "of smth" . (According to the book called "Cambridge common mistakes at IELTS Advanced", page 5)
2) "people are in the opinion that" - it is a direct translation from Russian. If you look in freecollocation.com (Oxford Collocation Dictionary), it says that it should be " to be OF the opinion that … ", so that is a phrase
3) It would be more superior, if you mention to what EXTEND do you agree with it. Not "I personally agree", but "I totally/strongly/partially/absolutely agree"
4) "To sum up" it is always better to use "To conclude/ In conclusion" instead
It is frequently suggested that ex-prisoners are the greatest people to talk to youth about the risks of committing a crime and also people who were in prison become good citizens. I totally agree with this statement and think that ex-prisoners become more decent and they will be really good mentor of teens law education.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all I know that teens learn from somebody better if this person has own experience in this sphere. Ex-prisoners have been in prison because they did some crime and this is a vivid example of the fact that all people who commit a crime will be imprisoned. They can tell to teens, how life in prison is bad, tell about limits for prisoners and how prisoners miss their relative, parents and friends. Then the younger generation will understand that committing a crime is not a good idea.
Secondly,
former prisoners regret that they have committed a crime and will try not to do it again.So ,
this makes them good citizens. Prisoners will not want the young generation to also be in prison and live a life like them, then they will teach them to the maximum.
In conclusion I think that ex-prisoners the best people to teach young generation law and good life
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteYou wrote 211 words while the requirement is minimum 250 words.
DeleteSeparate your paragraphs please.
Try not to use "think" instead find other synonyms.
Before writing plan your essay and publish your plan with your essay.
Do not use "bad" or "good"
Read other model essays on this topic in order to enlarge your vocabulary.
Many people say that those who have been through a prison sentence, and changed their behaviour for the better, are among the best people to consult regarding the risks of going against the law with teenagers. I totally agree with the opinion stated above. The reason for that is the fact that people with experience have better grounds in regards to consulting others.
ReplyDeleteAccording to social studies conducted throughout the years, personal experience is one of the deciding factors when consulting others about topics such as dangers of committing a crime. As the knowledge of crime related dangers which is available to us through mass media could contain inaccuracies, the person who has already broke the law at least once will be able to provide more extensive knowledge in regards to the consequences of such actions. Just as the theoretic knowledge contains differences from practical knowledge, the information obtained through rumors differs from the first-hand information.
Another vital factor to consider when discussing appropriate people to gain advice from is the effectiveness of the advisor's recommendations. Advice from the former prisoner on the dangerous sides of not abiding by the law will not only contain more credibility, but bigger practical value as well. Furthermore, the person who has ceased doing crimes will have stronger reasons and higher motivation to stop the spread of activities, which go against the law.
In conclusion, the experience as well as the fact that former crime doers have changed their life paths for the better provide strong reason to believe that ex-prisoners are the best people for teenagers to consult on the risks of breaking the law.
* Advice from the former prisoner on the dangerous sides of not abiding by the law will not only contain more credibility, but bigger practical value as well. - Use here modal verbs since the fact may not be always true.
Delete* who has ceased doing crimes- Collocation is "commit a crime"
Read the assessment criteria for band 7, 7.5 and 8 and keep working up working like this.
Some people think that if an ex – prisoner become respectable, decent citizen, he would be a good mentor for young people, to protect them from any types of crime. I strongly agree with this opinion, because of the experiences in in life of criminals, that make them change their life way. Moreover, people who sat in the prison saw the real negatives of it by themselves.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, if an ex – prisoner changed his lifestyle, stopped doing crimes, it means there should be a huge reason for it, otherwise there no sense for doing it. Maybe something happened in prison, something that change whole his or her life. In prison, people have enough time to think about everything, come to conclusion, which will affect to person’s life. For example, if a person have a mental breakdown or even mental illness, it will be hard to make an ordinary thing for him or her, their decisions will be illogical, without any sense. Their problem might start from childhood or when they were teenagers, it was growing in course of time. However, when they were at prison, this kind of people might find friends or spend time lonely, without anyone. They can find their mistakes in prison and prevent another people to do the same mistake.
Second thing, is that they were in real prison, lived with life of prisoners and saw atrocities of being at prison and get punished for their crimes. If ex – prisoners became respectable and decent, it means they changed their worldview and fact that they changed it after being at prison means that they understood, that any crime does not cost their liberty, being a prisoner is not mesmerized thing. Because they saw everything by themselves, they survived it. As we all know, it is better to see something one time rather than hear about it 1000 times.
To recapitulate, I can say, that ex – prisoners are really good for petty criminals and sophisticated teens.
*To recapitulate, I can say, that ex – prisoners are really good for petty criminals and sophisticated teens.- It is better to write"In conclusion,"
Delete*Avoid using "thing" since it is not an academic word
*Second thing, is that they were in real prison, lived with life of prisoners and saw atrocities of being at prison and get punished for their crimes.- Pay attention to tenses and if possible do not use "get"
* People commit crimes and you wrote "do crimes"
совершать преступления
* ...their lives.....
My life
Her life
their lives
I strongly agree with this opinion, because of the experiences in in life of criminals, that make them change their life way.
* Some people think that if an ex – prisoner become respectable, decent citizen, he would be a good mentor for young people, to protect them from any types of crime
Here replace "think" and use an article before "citizen" because it is a countable noun.
ReplyDeleteSome people argue that those who were inmates then become good citizens later and they are able to read lectures for young people about the violence and crimes. I am partially agreed with this statement. In this essay I will state my point of the view and give reasons for that.
First of all, people who commit a crime could teach others about crimes, because, ex-prisoners will take focus on their own experience. Furthermore, they will give examples from the real life, which will help them to argue their point of the view. Secondly, since inmates committed crimes and took punishment, then it seems that they understood their mistake and it was a lesson for them. Nevertheless, there are no any statistics or the data which gives us evidence that people who were inmates become good citizens. Moreover, people may become more aggressive and dangerous for the society. It is generalization here and I am disagreeing with this.
All in all, It depends from the people if they changed or not. We cannot make any assumptions by looking only on one person. However, if the prisons are exist, so it helps to prevent serious crimes. I am of the view that not always ex-prisoners become good citizens, but they can give important information since they had an experience.
Where are your paragraphs?
DeleteYou wrote less than 250 (218) words.
Plan your essay before you start writing.
Planning will help you to organize your ideas both in writing and speaking. You will receive 25% for cohesion and coherence if your points are organized.
There is a belief that people, who have committed a crime and then have recovered, are the best mentors for the teenagers to prevent them from dangers of being involved in breaking law. I partially agree with this statement, because taking a life-lesson from a person, who has experienced everything, is much better than preachy talking, but there are many different ways to make teens be aware of that problem without make them interact with ex-criminals.
ReplyDeleteOn the one hand, people with a prison sentence can share their own experience, difficulties that they had to face and tell about the lessons that they have learned now, as they turned into good citizens. For example, it would be effective to protect teens from committing a crime by explaining them about harsh conditions in prisons, the obstacles and limitations that criminals have to deal with while living behind the iron bars. So the teenagers would understand the consequences of breaking law.
On the other hand, I would argue that there are different no less effective methods of teaching adolescents. Instead of interacting with ex-criminals, it would be useful to organize the learning excursions in prisons for young-adults. It would not only show the real life of prisoners, but also may prevent teens from being involved in crimes, as they will see the dangers of such actions. Furthermore, watching documental movies about living life of a criminal would also be efficient for the learning process.
In conclusion, in my opinion to fully educate the adolescents and prevent them from committing a crime both of the above methods should be applied. Hand-on experience and face-to-face talk with an ex-criminal will make the teens be aware of all of the dangers of being involved in a crime.
* a crime by explaining them about harsh conditions- "explain to"
Delete* So the teenagers would understand the consequences of breaking law.-
law is a countable noun
law noun (RULE)
B1 [ C ]
a rule, usually made by a government, that is used to order the way in which a society behaves:
There are laws against drinking in the street.
The laws governing the possession of firearms are being reviewed.
They led the fight to impose laws on smoking.
[ + -ing verb or + to infinitive ] Many doctors backed plans for a law banning/to ban all tobacco advertising.
* Try not to use "I" in here "On the other hand, I would argue". Instead you could say It can be argued. Learn the rules to use "It". For example, it is argued; it is said and so on.
You have written a really good essay. Keep on working on academic words and please read the rubrics/ assessment criteria for IELTS band 7 and 7.5.
Some ex-prisoners become law abiding citizen and then they say they are good people to talk to the teenagers about the dangers of commission of a crime. I totally agree with this people because they are known about the conditions into the prison as well as they have the necessary experience.
ReplyDeleteThe ex-prisoners know about thoughts of criminal when they commits a crime, so they could told how teenagers can fight with this problem and why this problem is not too important. Because the ex-prisoners know this thoughts and they found a way for won them. In contrast, the normal person might do not understand a person who commits a crime, since they did not meet this problem.
The ex-prisoners also know the real situation into the jail as soon as the trust for them story was higher then somebody else. They live into the prisons’ conditions and know all rules on the other side of the fence. While normal citizen know only a nightmare that they see into the film and hear in the news. For example, more people did not know that prisoners can go to lessons into the jail and graduated prisons’ school with diploma.
In conclusion I want to say, the sense of the prison is correct humans and arrive them in right way, so ex-prisoners have passed this way and can share a data to teenagers who think about committing a crime how to correct themselves without a jail. However, we should ask this life advice only from ex-prisoners who learn this lesson.
Some ex-prisoners become law abiding citizen and then they say they are good people to talk to the teenagers about the dangers of commission of a crime. I totally agree with this people because they are known about the conditions into the prison as well as they have the necessary experience.
Delete* Read the essay question carefully. Do you totally agree with the statement or people?
* they commits a crime,- they commit a crime (she/he commits a crime)
*
how teenagers can fight with this problem -solve/tackle this problem (Work on collocations)
* they found a way for won them.-The same, learn collocations related to the topic of prison.
*In conclusion I want to say,- do not use "I want to say" it will reduce your mark
People who have gone through the prison regime and started leading an ordinary life are considered to be the best people to give advices to the new generation about importance of maintaining civil laws. I completely agree with the statement. In this essay , I will discuss about why ex-prisoners are the best people to teach teenagers about possible dangers of committing a crime and give relevant arguments.
ReplyDeleteNowadays, one of the most precious things that human being possesses is freedom. That is why breaking civil laws is often followed by the deprivation of freedom depending on how much negative impact citizen give for the society. People who have been in prison can share the experience of living in terrible conditions and suffering from hunger and lack of hygiene. For most of them, jail was the survival, where they have to fight in order to live. They understand the value of freedom of actions which is only limited by federal law. Ex-prisoners can discuss about that with teenagers who will listen to them due to their experience.
Another vital argument will be that parents or teachers cannot affect on teenagers’ mind as ex-prisoners can, simply because most teenagers will listen people who can really understand them. The majority of the ex-prisoners were also teenagers with criminal backgrounds, this is why they are able to view that point of view. For most of the teenagers, committing a crime is might be a cool thing to do, which will give them following status. In the eyes of teenagers, ex-prisoners are heroes who have the courage to go against the law. It will be way easier for them to affect on teenagers’ actions.
In conclusion, I completely agree with the statement about ex-prisoners are the best people who can talk to teenagers about possible outcomes of committing a crime. They can have greater effect on teenagers due to their status and can share a valuable experience about living in prison.
This is a great essay. Reading the essay gave me an impression that the writer is an English speaker. The facility of the language is really good. The flow of the the discussion is clear and direct to the point. The use of words are on point. In general, I had a great time reading this essay. Just consider the following points:
Delete1. human being possesses....do you mean human possesses?
2. you claim that majority of the ex-prisoners were teenagers. It will be good to include the source and data so that your claim is supported by facts.
3. your write this... which will give them following status....this is not clear to me...
Other than what I mentioned above, this essay is ready to go. Great job.
Thank you very much for your reference and advice! I will take it into consideration to improve my essay.
Delete1. Human being - noun, therefore, human being possesses.)
Than it should be "A human being"
DeleteNowadays, there is a common problem in society about increasing of crime levels among teenagers. Some people claim that prisoners in the past, who then became good citizens, can be the best people to teach teens about the hazards of committing a crime now. I absolutely agree with this statement and in this essay I will suggest some reasons for that.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, people who had been criminals do have a valuable experience to share with. A person who went through this challenge in real life knows the best how to deal with it. Asking them to share their knowledge probably can lead to the awareness of the consequences of committing a crime among youngsters. As a result it will lead to the development of discipline in society.
Secondly, people who improved their personalities and behavior in society may become models for teenagers who committed a crime. Most of those teens are not going to listen to police, government or their parents. However, people who also made a mistake in their lives can make youngsters heed their advices. This will force them to ponder their actions before making a decision. As a consequence, teenagers will be more careful in making choices of their future.
Taking everything into account, I believe that we should trust ex criminals who improved their lives to teach teenagers how to overcome this issue, because this is the best way to make young people listen and be aware of the danger of committing a crime.
Where are you your paragraphs?
DeleteHi!
DeleteYou follow the structure, however, I suggest you to express your ideas clerly with relevant examples. Also, be careful with using pronouns to link ideas. For example, reconsider this sentence:"A person who went through this challenge in real life knows the best how to deal with".
I recommend you to avoid generalizations, use more adverbs, different srtuctures of sentences and a wide range of vocabulary.
Good luck!
It is often thought that people who were convicted in the past may assist younger generation by talking to them about the hazards of committing a crime. Personally, I am completely against this idea and in this essay I will support my point of view with examples.
ReplyDeleteLet us start by looking at the fact that nobody can know what is in a former prisoner’s mind. Perhaps his aim is to turn teenagers to crime, hence raise the rate of crime. The criminal can poison the teenagers’ thoughts so that they will commit a crime.
Secondly, people who have been in prison tend to return there. Cruel conditions in prisons can do not affect criminals’ behavior. Of course, it is better for teenagers to learn from somebody who already have an experience and have learned from his mistakes. However, if a person who they interact with did not make any conclusions, it makes no sense for youth.
To sum up, teenagers cannot learn from people who were sentenced to prison due to the risks that can be formed.
Margo, if you are not indenting you should separate your paragraphs.
DeleteYour essay is lees than 250 words. (178)
In the majority of countries, no matter developed or not, the rate of crime is dramatically rising. There are various opinions which are arguing on whether it is efficient to young people to become familiar with stories of ex-criminals and take some advice or not. I partially agree with the given point.
ReplyDeleteLet us start by looking at the positives of such kinds of meetings with prisoners. I am of the view that asking questions, talking and discussions about a prison life will be more attractive to youngsters than simple warnings or teacher’s words. There is no doubt that reading literature and other types of information empower to prevent young generation from committing crimes, but anyways there is no guarantee. Not all books are able to describe a real picture of prison life which includes hazardous situations and the consequences of criminals’ mistakes. Therefore ex-offenders have an opportunity to provide teenagers with valuable and life-changing experience in details.
Another significant reason why I agree with the statement is the fact that jailbirds rehabilitated, made up their minds and came into society as new versions of them. I cannot strongly state that all the lawbreakers have changed their personality however I believe that they deserves a second chance. If community starts avoiding them or pushes away, then they will lose motivation and desire to become an ordinary member of society. These events are making a great contribution on enhancing their interaction and communication skills. The main benefit is that it often discourages young people break law.
Turning to the other side of an argument on account of their age the children may take inspiration from the stories and try to repeat it. The work with criminals will be not enough as the major responsibility lies on parents, schools and government. There are other figures as policemen, judges, social workers or lawyers who can also share with their practice. In my opinion society should emphasize priory on education and breeding.
To sum up, communication with ex-lawbreakers benefits both them and teenagers as develops relationship between different members of our community and had an impact on preventing reducing crime level. Despite this fact government and parents are the main ones who are liable for the behavior of young people.
You have a good start with clarity of expression. In line 2 when you say ‘opinions which are arguing’; you should use ‘differing opinions’ since ‘arguing’ seem to be anger driven. You could also just say ‘various debates’. Same line; efficient for young people not to young people.
DeleteParagraph 2 line 4, you use slang, ‘anyways’ which is simply unacceptable. Your positive side of using prisoners is not well supported. You only feebly say there is no guarantee that the youngsters can get all information from books. This is not supported with any evidence. You need to do more research here before you conclude the paragraph by saying that prisoners may give ‘valuable and life-changing experience’
You develop your argument in third paragraph although you seem to lean more on supporting the prisoner rather than the teenagers.
You are also generally not taking sides on this. ‘to what extent do you agree or disagree?’ You need to bring out the arguments and draw a conclusion from your arguments either to support the motion or go against it. You should not leave it to the reader to draw the conclusion for you. Your grammar is good but needs a little more polishing. Well done.
It is sometimes believed that the prisoners, after their prison term, can successfully reintegrate back into their communities without re-offending. Furthermore, they can have a chance of rehabilitation by having preventative conversations with young generation about the dangers of committing a crime and I agree. This essay will first discuss the reason why ex-prisoners should be given a role in cutting youth crime, such as personal experience of ex-offenders, followed by analyze of how ex-prisoners are close to youngsters.
ReplyDeleteOn no account should the importance of personal experience of ex-offenders’ be ignored. To put it differently, the person, who committed a crime and was sentenced to prison for term, witnessed the consequences of this type of behavior. Young people sometimes embark on a life of crime as a result of the bad influence of their criminal environment, thus the preventative conversations with a person who faced it Tet-a-Tet will prevent the risk of juvenile delinquency. For example, having carried out a research among youngsters in 2015 in Mexico, phycologists revealed that the number of young criminal have dropped significantly after this type of talks with ex-criminals.
Another vital argument to consider is the fact that the ex-offenders are people, who are aware of the feelings of young generation. In other words, the people who know the streets, the youth on them, and what is in their heads, are people who have been there themselves, ex-prisoners. For instance, as the statistics shows, the vast majority of criminals committed a crime in early age and may have a close bond with a teenager, who behaves similar to them. Therefore, the conversation with a person, who understands you, would act a deterrent and would be one useful measure to tackle rising crime in the long run.
In conclusion, I consider that ex-offenders ought to have an opportunity to make a fresh start after they are released from prison by having preventative conversations with youngsters in order to decrease the risk of juvenile delinquency because of their personal experience and awareness about the youth on streets.
You start strongly by stating your side of motion which is commendable. In line 1, the article ‘the’ implies that you know the prisoners or you are talking about specific prisoners. It should be left out. In line 5, you use the verb ‘analyze’ instead of its noun ‘analysis’ since you imply an action.
DeleteYou develop your argument in the second paragraph about the importance of personal prison life experience as a way of preventing teenagers from committing crime. You however draw your evidence from only one source, Mexico in 2015, and do not attempt to look at the other side of the coin. More research is needed here to support your argument. ‘Tet-a-tet’ is misspelt but used in the correct context.
In paragraph 3 line2, it is not clear what you mean by ‘people who know the streets, the youth on them’. You need to rephrase this section and bring out the correct meaning. Same line; ‘what is in their heads sounds like an abuse. Instead you should use ‘what is on their mind’.
Your conclusion is short and clear. Overall your vocabulary is quite wide and you are encouraged to keep it up. You also attempt to use idiomatic expressions in your essay, which is laudable. I recommend that you read more about the subject to be able to give sound judgment on the issues at hand. This is good work.
It is often believed that ex-prisoners which arrived from the jails by the best version of them can prevent youngsters from breaking law. On no account the importance of this kind of communication cannot be ignored. I strongly agree within given statement, because I think that person that released from prison can share with his or her experiences, that will show the reality of living there and help teenagers to solve their issues, which linked with criminal.
ReplyDeleteThe main reason why I agree that humans that were in jails can reduce the number of juvenile delinquency is that the life which was spend behind the gates can open children’s eyes. The importance of sharing experiences between ex- prisoner and young generation cannot be emphasized too much. In the majority of situations youth do not realize the consequences of their acts, in their opinion after committing a crime they can escape but in the real life they go to jail. Therefore, this kind of people can help them to visualize and understand what kind of future waiting for them, if they would choose the way full of crime. For example, people that left criminal in their past are choosing boys from streets and by trying to explain the actual life in jail and after it are preventing them from this style of life.
Another reason is that only ex-criminal can understand the problems of teenager who lost his/her way. They aware of that it is an uphill to live in the society, where no one do not support and just judge you. In the place where they live there are no golden opportunities to become the best version of them there is no key to success despite the criminal acts. Thus, bandits that acknowledge their mistakes may give lessons of how to start the new chapter.
In the conclusion, I with no doubt agree that people with criminal past can change the youngster’s lives because they have common mistakes , reasons in their pasts and they trust to each other .
* I strongly agree within given statemen- I strongly agree with a given statement
Delete* Do not use "I think"
*ex- prisoner- ex-prisoners, it is one word so there is no space between hyphen and the next word
*too much- too has a negative meaning, be careful when you are using it
* Therefore, this kind of people can help them to visualize and understand what kind of future waiting for them, if they would choose the way full of crime- You did not mention "this kind of people" in the previous sentence
*the problems of teenager- a teenager
* They aware of that- They are aware of..... (to be aware of something)
*They aware of that it is an uphill to live in the society - They are aware of the fact that .....
*For example, people that left criminal in their past are choosing- What do you mean by "left criminal"? It is an adjective not a noun.
* I with no doubt agree that people with criminal past can change the youngster’s lives because they have common mistakes , reasons in their pasts and they trust to each other .- factually incorrect
It is believed that prisoners that have been sentenced to a prison, become law abiding citizens after a release from jail. Moreover, these people are the best to make conversation about committing a crime amid children. I strongly agree with this idea, and think that ex-prisoners can set a good example for youngsters. Firstly, this essay will discuss the past mistakes, that imprisoners do not desire to repeat, and, secondly it will analyze the reduction of crime rate among juvenile.
ReplyDeleteFirst, the reason why inmates after release become good citizens is they do not want to repeat their own mistakes twice. The reason for this is that convicts appreciate the freedom that they have lost after committing a crime. Therefore, on no account should the consequences of action be ignored. As a result not only do prisoners appreciate the freedom, but they also uphold the law in the long run. For instance, having carried out research among ex-prisoners, scientists from the U.K have revealed that illegal activities in the Singapore have been declined after their release from a prison.
Another point to consider is the trusties are one of the most appropriate persons to talks with youth about the hazards of committing a crime. This is because ex-inmates can share with worth data about prison and adverse consequences of such crimes that they did. Thus, the significance of prisoner’s experience cannot be emphasized too much, and being adults, teenagers will not do again these acts. As a consequence not only inmates talk about hazard of the violence, but they also act as a deterrent to prevent the juvenile delinquency in the long run. For example, researchers from the Michigan have revealed that ex-prisoner’s children are less involved in serious crimes than other teenagers.
All things considered, despite the ex-prisoners have committed some crime, they become law abiding citizens, and best one to talk with youngsters. This is because; they have an invaluable experience and past sins that they want to fix.
*It is believed that prisoners that have been sentenced to a prison, become law abiding citizens after a release from jail. - Reconsider this sentence please (Pay attention to the use of articles and prepositions, revise collocations related to the topic)
Delete* after a release from jail. after release become - Do we need an article here?
* the most appropriate persons to talks with youth - find your mistake here
* For example, researchers from the Michigan have revealed that ex-prisoner’s children are less involved in serious crimes than other teenagers.- Can you try to give an example from your own life.
* best one to talk with youngsters.- ones
* This is because; they have an invaluable experience and past sins that they want to fix. -Avoid generalizing by using modal verbs
Overall, you essay is good. Keep up working on your grammar and collocations.
Read articles on this topic.
There is a considerable debate among population whether old jailers should have a talk with young generation about the future threats of committing a crime. While some people believe that these are the best people to talk with teenagers, others argue that not everyone become a good citizen after a prison. I totally agree with the perspective that people who have been in prison before are the finest personalities to talk with.
ReplyDeleteThe first reason why an offender should talk with youth is to share his or her life experience. The real story of a person might be very effective to prevent a child from a potential crime. One clear example is that, when I tell my little sister about my mistakes of the past, I notice that every time she bears in mind to not to repeat it in her own experience. In this way, the personal experience of the jailer will benefit teenagers by giving an opportunity to comprehend the future dangers of the offence.
Second of all, an impressive story of the old jailor with the regret in his voice will be an efficient tool to educate young generation to avoid from any acts of a crime. This is due to the fact that children will see with their own eyes how in the blink of an eye, one’s life can be absolutely changed by the threats. For instance, if a child has a conversation with the offender who had been sitting in a jail for 10-15 years, he can realize that the huge amount of time spent sitting in a four walls while the life was going out there. Therefore, I claim that feeling the emotions of the offender might provide the good food for thought to teenagers.
To conclude, from my point of view, often people spending much of their time in prisons become good citizens in the future realizing errors of their ways. So it is an excellent idea to give them an opportunity to make a contribution to the development of the society by educating young generation.
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DeleteHello, _lollipop_, you have very great essay. To begin with, I want to mention the positive sides of your job. You have used a wide range of vocabulary and different sentence structures in your essay. You paraphrased words by many synonyms (for example, young generation, teenagers, youth, children), it is very useful skill. You followed the essay structure and gave your point of view clearly. Also, you have used several idioms (in the blink of an eye, food for thought) and collocations (regret in his voice, personal experience, impressive story). But, meanwhile, you have some insignificant mistakes that you need to improve in the future. Firstly, I think that in the first sentence the word “old” is a bit unsuitable, because somebody may understand it as relating to the age of the prisoner. Of course, your word is not a mistake, but instead of this you can use “ex-prisoner” or “ex-offender”. Secondly, in the second sentence of your second argument I did not understand completely the meaning of the word “threat”. Maybe you mean the offence? If so, I think it would be better, if you write it like this. So, that is all. I wish you to get the better result in the future and recommend you to keep practicing.
DeleteParenting and children’s education is one of the most valuable and vital things that must be considered by government as well as parents. However, some people state that in order to prevent juvenile delinquency offspring should have conversation about it with felons who become good citizens after their release from a prison. I partially agree with this statement because of some arguments and facts that I am going to present below.
ReplyDeleteInitially, it is beneficial for children to know about consequences of crime from prisoner who had committed crime before. This practice would explain them how harmful as well as disastrous is any crime and teach them to be more responsible, well-minded persons. Resulting from they will see the cause-consequence relationship between a wrongdoing and ruining life. To illustrate this, one of my relatives, who have been a prisoner, said me that he would have never done things that were the cause of his judgement if only he could.
On the other hand, not always this kind of action is capable to prevent “early crime” because scientists from USA who have studied about death penalty and its impact on the crime stated that the fact that they will be killed after the crime didn’t stop them. Consequently, if the hard penalty couldn’t stop this sort of people why do we think that conversation with the ex-prisoners can? Moreover, juvenile delinquency is the effect of low education, bad parenting, harmful society or other economic as well as social issues that make them to go and robe someone. Good evidence is the countries where teenagers have committed crimes more – it is undeveloped regions with high rate of death, poverty or starvation.
To sum up, I want you understand that this practice may decrease a crime among youth, but not in all regions because doesn’t matter what is going to happen after this if your family live poorly and can’t take it anymore.
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DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteHi smartwood. Nice job for this essay. I commend you for writing this because your idea is delivered to me in a way that I understand your point why you partially agree with the theme. My general observation is that there is a need to rephrase some sentences to express your ideas clearly and you have to work on the use of articles so that you can write complete sentences. Also, you have to work on the choice of words so that ideas will be communicated the way you want it to be.
DeletePlease look at the following observations:
1. put comma after deliquency in the second sentence first paragraph. Is offspring the right word for this sentence?
2. need to rephrase the following sentences:
*Resulting from they will see the cause-consequence relationship between a wrongdoing and ruining life
*To illustrate this, one of my relatives, who have been a prisoner, said me that he would have never done things that were the cause of his judgement if only he could. (Also if you say one of my relatives, you have to use the singular form. Said me should be said to me (article).
*On the other hand, not always this kind of action is capable to prevent “early crime” because scientists from USA who have studied about death penalty and its impact on the crime stated that the fact that they will be killed after the crime didn’t stop them.
* Good evidence is the countries where teenagers have committed crimes more – it is undeveloped regions with high rate of death, poverty or starvation
* To sum up, I want you understand that this practice may decrease a crime among youth, but not in all regions because doesn’t matter what is going to happen after this if your family live poorly and can’t take it anymore.
3. Are the scientists responsible for the death penalty? (choice of word)
4. What do you mean by hard penalty (choice of words)
5. need to add article here,
to sum up I want you to understand
I am excited and I will look forward to the revision of this essay because I believe that this will come out very good if you will consider the suggestions. thank you very much. regards
Thank you, for your comment and recommendations. I really appreciate this.
DeleteMany figures of public believe the culprits that have amended after prison for their misdemeanors, could be the reliable delator of the sad consequences of law breakings. I fully agree with this statement due to they had seen all difficulties of prison life; also they know the price of freedom.
ReplyDeleteThe prisoners have an experience in committing a crime whether it is minor or major. Once they have broken the law, it will lead to the various kinds of punishments such as imprisonment, where they would do some community services. People, who have overcome through all of this, would know how it is better live in freedom, independently. In jail, person will be far away from his/her immediate relatives, which leads to feel homesick and lonely. In addition, it is probably would have an impact on your family members, too. For instance, my uncle had sentenced to prison for his illegal action, and after him his wife and children have remained. Furthermore, only he brings money to their home, and after this situation, the whole family had a tough time.
These kinds of people know that the person’s momentary action does not worth the punishment that would destroy your future. As we know, for the felons, it is really difficult to find a job, and build their career. In the majorities of cases, people do not trust them; moreover, regard them as unreliable and dangerous. For the criminals, that served their sentences in prison, are deprived most of the opportunities. So, by committing crime, the person may block the chances for the bright future.
In conclusion, people should take into account the experiences of some people, independent on the type, terrible or beneficial. Lawbreakers, that know the consequences of disobeying rules and the value of free life, could prevent teenagers from destroying not only their life, but also, in some cases, the others’, too.
* Be careful with synonyms and learn more collocations to sound natural
Delete* In jail, person will be- a person
* In addition, it is probably would have an impact on your family members, too.- Do not use "too"
* and after him his wife and children have remained.- rewrite this with proper grammar
* Furthermore, only he brings money to their home, and after this situation, the whole family had a tough time.- Learn collocations to express the same. This one is translated from your language.
* These kinds of people- this kind of people (такие, такой- this kind, no plural)
* In the majorities of cases,- correct this
Overall, it is a nice essay. Keep up working on collocations. Next time I want to see your mindmap here. Thank you,
It is argued that who have been in jail and become exemplary violence afterward and it is often assume that these persons the best option to tell young generation gains the hazardous of perform the offence. I totally agree that past offenders can speak with off springs about perpetration. First, this position will be proven by an analysis of telling life story about how crime broke their lives. A discussion of prisoners could have favorable impacts on society, such as reducing the government expenditure on education will also supported the view stated above.
ReplyDeleteThe main reason why criminals might have conversation with teenagers is telling them how misdemeanor demolishes their life. This is because year in year out in our society crime rising between 14 up to 25. If offenders describe their life after crime, it will effect on teenagers mind. As a result, society would have an increasing amount of offence. For example, in USA 66% out of 100% culprit regrets on offence.
Another reason why we may allow conversations with former criminals is that it might affect on community on positive way. This is because, some psych do not know what should they say to children about crime, therefor we need some prisoner volunteers to describe it. As a consequence, it may save money allocated by the government. For instance, this strategy applying by several schools in European countries and it gives positive effect on society.
In conclusion, taking into account all written above, I am firmly convinced that telling prisoners to young generation is a perfect idea. This is due to fact that telling life story about how crime broke their lives and prisoners could have favorable impacts on society, such as reducing the government expenditure on education.
Simple Panda,
DeleteIf you are not indenting your paragraphs you should leave one line between your paragraphs.
You wrote 290 words which is good.
Are you working with sample essays?
I suggest you to watch documentary films.
Keep working on your grammar.
*demolishes their life. Please correct this
*This is because year in year out in our society crime rising between 14 up to 25. Rewrite this sentence please.
*For example, in USA 66% out of 100% culprit regrets on offence. This is not Task 1 essay do not address statistics please.
* Before you start writing please plan your essay here.
* I am firmly convinced that telling prisoners to young generation is a perfect idea. What do you mean here? Change "telling" here
Overall, not bad. It is good that you are using academic words. Keep up working.
It is believed that some former prisoners become solid citizens after a time, and they are the most influential people to teach teenagers about the risks of committing a crime. I totally agree that ex-prisoners can be an efficient way to show the consequences of committing offences for younger generation.
ReplyDeleteThe main reason why ex-inmates can provide a good example of criminal participation is that they can share about their own crime-related story. By contributing experience, these people can demonstrate where it leads to. Not only does story of former prisoners help for youth to interpret the implications of delinquency, but it also fosters a conscious and role model personality. For example, it was revealed that young adults could be aware of difficulties that can be faced and its hazardous effect on their future.
The another reason why it is significant for teenagers to talk with some who was an offender is that ex-criminalists can be the only one who will be able to understand the thoughts of young people who are going to commit a crime. On no account should the impact of ex-prisoners be ignored. These people thought the same ideas before the committing the criminal act. Therefore, they can prevent the acts that can be committed by teenagers by talking and explaining them the negative sides. If they will work with each other, it also will decrease the level of juvenile delinquency.
In conclusion, taking into account all written above, I am firmly convinced that it is effective way to deal with the crime around young generation. This is due to the fact that by talking to them teenagers will understand the effect of commit an offence.
* Not only does story of former prisoners- a story is a countable noun
Delete* Not only does story of former prisoners help- a story helps (You need to avoid generalization by using modal verbs)
* but it also fosters a conscious and role model personality (avoid generalization)
* The another reason- The word another consists of an article "an" and the word "other". You cannot use two articles before a noun
* On no account should the impact of ex-prisoners be ignored.- Do not use this please
* Please work on the topical vocabulary related to crime and punishment
You need to spice your essay with some academic words and a range of grammar.
Thank you
ReplyDeleteIt is assumed that ex-inmates turn into a law abiding people and some individuals believe that they are an appropriate solution for preventing youth from committing a crime. I fully agree that former criminals are able to give some valuable life lessons to the teenagers. I will prove my position by analysis of detrimental consequences and dreadful prison-life that captives went through.
The most significant reason why ex-captives could effect on youngsters is that people who left the prison might inform them about horrible consequences of their inconsiderate actions. This is because by committing a crime, teens do not realize that they are ruining their own life and lives of innocent people. If authorities had allowed talking with former criminals, the level of juvenile delinquency would diminish dramatically .For instance, the research have been carried out within the parents shows that the majority of them trust their children having a conversation with released inmates.
Another vital reason for conducting this is that by narrating about life in jails, released convicts destroy teenagers any desire to commit an offence. Being aware of life conditions in the prison will abruptly persuade them from taking a thoughtless action. For example, in the Russia, schools organize an excursion for the students in order to show them all the struggles of prison-life.
In conclusion, I am firmly convinced that talking of teens with ex-captives is the best option to prevent youth from committing a crime. This is due to the fact that they will be informed about terrible consequences and drawbacks of prison life.
Hello, Micky Taryan.
Delete1. You have some problems with tenses. You wrote: "For instance, the research have been carried out..." instead of it must be, For instance, the research has been carried out
2. "law-abiding" written through hyphen.
3. You do not use articles correctly as the terrible in the last sentence.
* If you are not indenting you need to separate your paragraphs to make it easy to read and understand what is where.
Delete* I fully agree that former criminals are able to give some valuable life lessons to the teenagers. Justify here why?
* could effect on - correct this
* they are ruining their own life- lives
* Reconsider this "If authorities had allowed talking with former criminals, the level of juvenile delinquency would diminish dramatically ." Review the functions of conditional sentences (2 and 3)
* in the Russia- Russia but the Russian Federation
* of prison life.- "life" is a countable noun
* schools organize an excursion- where?
ReplyDeleteThere is a common belief that ex-prisoners who committed a crime and was in prison are the most appropriate people to talk to young generation to prevent a crime. Some think that people after running out a punishment often change themselves in better direction and well affect to the society.
I completely agree that ex-prisoners may become good citizens after being in prison. First of all, social activities including in prisoners’ life in different countries is being more popular. Offenders can spend their free time on art, playing some musical instruments and even writing their own books. These activities are essential for offenders, because they help prisoners to broaden horizons and do not allow returning to their criminal life. The good instance is that Singaporean prisons practice the method, where the number of books that are read could shorten the term of imprisonment.
Moreover, after completing a punishment ex-prisoners give lectures in schools usually among students and teenagers. It is the most effective way of describing strict rules and approaches used in prisons due to the information is given from people who have complete their imprisonment. The government always arrange these actions in order to reduce the rate of crimes and explain to teenagers dangers of committing a crime.
All things considered, the majority of ex-prisoners after imprisonment have the great chance to turn themselves to better one and good effect on teenagers’ thoughts.
Hello my dear friend! Actually you have written a pretty good essay, but if you want to get a high score, you should work on it.
DeleteTry to use another words for “ex-prisoners” and “imprisonment”, in order to not repeat them. In your second paragraph, it should be “social activities ARE being more popular”. Also, instead of “running out a punishment”, you can use “complete their prison sentence” or “served their punishment”. In your third paragraph, it should be “who have completed their imprisonment”, because it is present perfect. In your conclusion, you have a mistake, it would be “a great chance”, not “the”. Also, there are some of your mistakes: “talk to THE young generation”, “in A better direction”, “to turn themselves into A better one”, “the government always arrangeS”,” including in prisoners’ lives”. In my opinion, it would be better if you write “they CAN help prisoners”, do not generalize and it seems to be correct if you say “explain to teenagers the danger of committing a crime”. In addition, learn how to use a comma with “usually” and in your essay there are only 234 words, as you know, you should write at least 250. I hope that you will work on your mistakes, good luck.
According to strenuous believes belong to some groups of society, people who had served a prison sentence and, eventually, embarked on the path of upstanding civilians are most preferable to apprise youth of consequences of being engaged in crime in order to prevent a young generation from mimicking violent behavior. In my view, such a practice might have a buoyant impact on the perception of the illegality actions and behavior of offsprings due to the following reasons.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, ex-offenders who have become peaceful citizens tend to be perfect models of rehabilitation and mending whos experiences must be given to the widest publicity, children, in particular. Adult people cannot keep pretending as if representatives of criminal groups do not exist. Adolescents must be aware that ex-criminals, thieves, shoplifters, murderers, vandals, smugglers, and juvenile delinquents who changed their ways, are living in the same community, on the same street, working near, because they are one who shows that it is never late to cease. Their stories must be told and heard, so that every teenager knows how does the criminalistic path start and what consequences it has. Children who were apprised of the pertinent cost that every crime demands - time that has elapsed ungraciously.
Moreover, it must be mentioned that teenager is more likely to believe someone who made his own effort to become a conscientious individual comparing with any lecturer and speaker. As a student, I would prefer to ask personal questions concerning ex-criminals past and receive honest and versatile responses that do not leave me befuddled, which presents the integrity of the idea of committing a crime and explains the connotations of re-education. In my mind, a student, who has an opportunity to get familiar with the experience of the offender at first hand will never turn to crime.
At the end of the day, we must not ignore ex-criminals and abstract their existence. Being involved in soluting social issues and communicative tasks have a positive impact on the efficiency of their rehabilitation. People whose effusive actions had a negative impact on society once must help to prevent the occurrence of a new one.
Taking into account the aforementioned aspects, I believe that the dangers of crime should be told by ex-prisoners which, precisely, will lead to the reduction of crime rate among teenagers.
* According to strenuous believes- Look at the collocations below and correct yourself please.
Deletebelief noun
ADJ.
absolute, deep-seated, deeply held, fervent, firm, passionate, profound, strong, strongly held, unshakeable | genuine, honest, sincere
She was strict with her children in the genuine belief that it was the right thing to do.
| entrenched, fanatical | common, commonly held, general, popular, widely held, widespread | growing | long-held, long-standing |
belief how things could have got this bad.
* and mending whos experiences- Correct this
* and mending whos experiences must be given to the widest publicity,- Reconsider thi part
* Adult people cannot keep- Adults
* so that every teenager knows how does the criminalistic path start and what consequences it has.- how a criminal path starts
* criminal noun (Collocations)
ADJ.
dangerous, violent | serious | habitual, hardened | professional | master | petty | convicted | known
He has been associating with known criminals.
| notorious | common
She was treated like a common criminal.
| white-collar | war
He was tried as a war criminal.
criminal
adjective [ before noun ]
UK
/ˈkrɪm.ɪ.nəl/ US
/ˈkrɪm.ə.nəl/
B2
relating to crime:
criminal activity
a criminal act/offence
criminal behaviour
a criminal investigation
* Children who were apprised of the pertinent cost that every crime demands - time that has elapsed ungraciously.- Why did you put hyphen here?
* Moreover, it must be mentioned that teenager- a teenager
* prefer verb [T] (CHOOSE)
A2
to like, choose, or want one thing rather than another:
Do you prefer hot or cold weather?
I prefer red wine to white.
[ + -ing verb ] He prefers watching football to playing it.
[ + to infinitive ] I'd prefer not to discuss this issue.
formal I'd prefer you not to smoke (= I would like it better if you did not smoke)
* In my mind, a student, who has an opportunity to get familiar with the experience of the offender at first hand will never turn to crime. Why are you expressing your opinion in Body paragraph? Please justify your answer here.
* At the end of the day, - this is good in speaking. In writing use " In conclusion,"
Separate your paragraphs if you are not indenting them.
It is true that some ex-inmates return to the right way after spending time in custody and become a better person. In this case, Some people think they can be the best people for pupils to explain the consequences of committing a crime. I personally agree with this opinion, thus leading to preventing the crime committed by young people .
ReplyDeleteFirstly, they have a life changing experience as experience living without freedom. Prison is not heaven and nobody wants to be there. They can provide the most reliable information about life in prison such as feeling homesick, “gray” room and tasteless food. Moreover, it will also help young people to understand that prison would fully break up their future.
Secondly, real story of ex-prisoners will have more impact on students self-awareness than threats and explanations from their “ideal” parents.Some of this ex-prisoners committed a crime when they were teenagers,so they can give advice about how to solve problems without committing crimes.Therefore, talking with a person who understands young people will be a decisive factor and will be one of the useful measures to combat growing crime for those who are in street gangs and for other students with significant problems.
Turning to the other side of an argument, these students may make their own wrong conclusions, instead of not committing crimes, they learn how to not get caught after committing crimes.
All things considered,I personally agree that people who commit a crime in the past and now after years of prison sentence turn to the right side would be good teachers for teenagers. This kind of lesson will prevent future crimes.
Hi, Happy Chemist!
Delete-I think it would be better if you say "as living without..." in rder to not reet one word
-work with prepositions (the usage of "a/the")
-"..parents who did not feel all difficulties of prison" is better than ""ideal"", because it sounds negative (sentence 1, paragraph 3)
-Add more information to ypur counter argumant, and give some examples to make your ideas clear
-Use conditionals and inversions in order to show our grammar
Good job!
Nowadays there are many people who committed a crime in the past, but then realized awfulness of their actions and have become a sensitive person with high moral behavior. It is believed by someone that such people are the best to talk with youth about life. I partly agree with this opinion.
ReplyDeleteTo begin with, it is obvious that such criminals have a real experience of being punished because of committed crime. They know by themselves that this is wrong and share with their opinions and feeling that they had during the sentence. By conversation with such people the young generation will understand all the negative sides and dangers of this. Such a real example of prisoner, who felt by himself, what does the crime means, will definitely be helpful for teenagers.
On the other hand, we should understand that there are many types of crimes. Someone committed a little crime, due to being cheated by someone, or occasional crimes, such as car accident and so on. Meanwhile, there is a number of people who offended intentionally. May be they are murderers, mentally unbalanced persons or even pedophiles. The meeting with them may not be safe. Moreover, we cannot be absolutely sure that this person has become sensitive, there is no guarantee that he will not offend repeatedly.
To conclude, people, who have been punished in the past, may be a good storytellers or teachers, but at the same time it is not totally correct. I think that parents play an essential role in the formation of teens’ behavior, not ex-prisoners.
Hi, Modern Idea! In fact, the essay was well written and what was astonishing is wide range of your vocabulary and appropriately used an essay structure. There are outstanding synonyms which have been used by you in this essay: "criminals","a sentence","occasional crimes".However, there are several recommendations that I wish outline you know about:
DeleteFirst of all, your last sentence about the aid of parents was inappropriately used because there are no mentions about parents' support in your essay, so in order to do not lose your task response, I really recommend you to mention your ideas in introduction, which will be written in your main paragraphs. Secondly, you have used common words such as: "nowadays", "but" and I recommend you to utilize more advanced words instead of them.I did not remembered any grammatical mistakes and coherence and cohesion of your essay was pretty great.One more thing I would like to recommend is that try to use more complex sentence structures such as conditionals, inversions because they definitely will magnify your band score.I believe you can write better one and wish you good luck for further time!
It is widely considered that ex-prisoners could demonstrate normal and productive behavior as they will reintegrate into society. I completely agree with the statement that allowing offenders, who served their sentences in the prison to illustrate to young generation their experiences as the better path to discourage youngsters from breaking the law.
ReplyDeleteTo begin with, modern teenagers are tend to accept the recommendations and advices from those individuals, who could speak from own experience. Therefore, rehabilitated offenders definitely could be the source of discussion about the commitment of a crime and dangers of criminal lifestyle such as serving a sentence in prison as a punishment and isolation from society and normal life. Modern youth tend to ignore the guidance given by older people because as their consideration mentions old generation fail to understand modern youth due to the complexity to cope with their pace of thinking and taking decisions. However, because of criminals are their ideals, they are extremely keen to hear the stories of an ex-offender. Hence, reformed criminals are best way to share to teenagers the dangers of committing delinquent acts.
On the other hand, there are several methods of adolescents’ enlightenment, which are ineffective in comparison with making conversation between youth and ex-criminals. For instance, one option would be for police officers to visit schools and talk to young people. This could be useful in terms of informing teens about what happens to lawbreakers when they are caught, but young people are often reluctant to take advice from figures of authority. Another way to prevent juvenile delinquency among adolescents would be for school teachers to speak to their students about crime, however I doubt that students would see teachers as credible sources of information about this topic.
In conclusion, I believe that reformed offenders who have served their sentences in a prison definitely could dispel the desire of committing a crime among youngsters and that such path would be effective and beneficial one, which absolutely would educate worldwide teenagers.
Hi Mad Hawk
ReplyDeleteDear Mad Hawk,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your essay. I have learnt a lot of academic vocabulary from your essay. Though it was a little bit difficult to follow your ideas. Here are some mistakes I found in your essay:
1. To begin with, modern teenagers are tend to - tend to is used without a verb to be.
2. recommendations and advices - a noun advice is an uncountable noun
3. To begin with, modern teenagers are tend to accept the recommendations and advices from those individuals, who could speak from own experience. - This sentence may not be true for all teenagers, so use modal verbs to avoid generelization.
4. , who could speak from own experience. - share experience (Keep learning collocations, do not translate)
5. You are saying at the beginning: To begin with, modern teenagers are tend to accept the recommendations and advices from those individuals, who could speak from own experience.
and at the same paragraph you are contradicting your own idea: . Modern youth tend to ignore the guidance given by older people because as their consideration mentions old generation fail to understand modern youth due to the complexity to cope with their pace of thinking and taking decisions.
6. What do you mean here: . However, because of criminals are their ideals, they are extremely keen to hear the stories of an ex-offender. ?
7. What do you want to say in your first paragraph?
8. What do you want to say in your 2nd paragraph?
Please use shorter sentences to avoid mistakes.
Organize your ideas.
Plan for 10 minutes before you start writing.
IELTS score: 6.0
Citizens with a crime sentence who had been able to reestablish and return back to the normal life are considered to be the best mentors for adolescent in providing information about dangers of breaking the law. I totally agree with the statement as former prisoners are well-experienced with the consequences of committing a crime, and their communication with the youth could benefit not only the fresh minds but also ex-prisoners themselves.
ReplyDeleteTo begin with, ex-criminals have had a hand-on trial about the prison life and conditions that offender are living in. Hence, they are capable to share this experience and picture it in details. Moreover the adolescents are more likely to take accept advice from someone who speaks from a real life situation. It would be a valuable chance for every adolescent to be aware of how people get involved into making a crime and now they feel going through this tough part of their lives. The most educated people who can answer every question about this kind of sensitive topic are no one but former criminals. Therefore, they are suitable to teach and guide teenagers.
Moreover, the former law-breakers are going to benefit from this arrangement too, because telling their own stories might bring them some sort of mental relive, they would feel connected with society and feel great from doing something that is right, which will prevent them from recommitting crime again. Communication with adolescent and the process of educating the youth might help the former prisoner in faster reintegration in society.
In conclusion, experience of real ex-criminals and advantages of bilateral training and assistance are the best for preventing law-breaking among young adults.
* to be the best mentors for adolescent- adolecent is a countable noun
ReplyDelete* and conditions that offender are living in.- Correct your mistake here please
* how people get involved into making a crime- The collocations are: commit a crime or
VERB + CRIME
carry out, commit | report
Many crimes are never reported to the police.
* they would feel connected with society and feel great from doing something that is right, - repetition of "feel"
* the former prisoner in faster reintegration in society.- Look at the collocations below
PREP.
~ between
integration between research and higher education
| ~ into
the integration of disabled pupils into the general education system
| ~ with
He called for greater integration with Europe.
| ~ within
economic integration within the three communities
* faster reintegration in society. - Look at these collocations please:
ADJ.
true | complete, full | close, seamless | further, greater, improved, increased | rapid | economic, monetary, political, racial, social
We are working to bring about closer political integration in the EU.
Overall, you have written a nice essay. Keep on working on collocations